ooohhhh, there's something on my mind. Somebody please. Please tell me what's wrong

10-8-10

A song I wrote reads more like a rap song.
Sometimes I wince and man because the emotions/pain becomes physical pain: Grief. I miss Michael.

Something is stirring in me and it’s not good.

10-12-10

Reflecting on a recent picture of K-Ci and Jo Jo I saw. It was in regard to their new reality show. K-Ci has lost the light in his eyes. There used to be a certain shine or life and it’s gone. The pupils are dead. I think the light in his eyes was the thing that made him so ugly he looked good.

November should be an interesting month. I won’t be busy every weekend.

I have really been feeling the need to proactively date. It’s been 5 years since I was last in a relationship and all of my other activities are no longer keeping me leveled. I don’t think they ever have. Guess I been lying to myself.

The Dark Poem

Sometimes we live in a warped sense of reality.
Past apparitions and flights of bestiality.
Prolonged journeys of self inflicted pain
Wandering this life in search of sustenance and capital gains.
Holding on to the rotting stench of hop e and love
Praying to someone above
Until the day of the dark red sky approaches
Leaving you dirty, naked, alone, and out in the great salt slick
Its coming quick
The real world and the fact that your time is done
There’s no more to do, to give, to fight for
Succumb to mediocrity
Failure and the looming promise of death

Mica Paris - SUMMERTIME

Ike & Tina Turner - Come together 1971

Interesting how that E-40 song is quintessentially West Coast, but it samples a classic East Coast song. Yay Area samples Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat) by Digable Planets.

The Velvet Rope-a 22 track disc of good feeling contradictions.

I have really been feeling The Velvet Rope Lately. It feels full and robust and colorful, dreadful, and joyous all in one. Kinda like me, a 22 track disc of good feeling contradictions.


I know that sometimes you get to feelin'
I've given up on you
The pressure seems to, to defeat you
Beat you, whenever you can't go on
You must remember that
(You must remember)
You were born with blood of kings and queens
And can't be stopped
Stand tall my brother
(Stand tall my brother)
You can't be stopped
No, you can't be stopped
(Don't ever let nobody tell you you ain't strong enough)

Dead Body!!!!!!

Wrapping anything bulky and kind of long in a sheet just screams DEAD BODY!!!! Don’t wrap that tenor saxophone in that white sheet Darryl!

The Situation is dire for the female sex

I can’t believe The Situation gets the desired results from girls with the way he talks to them. He’s such a sleaze. They are so caught up in his abs and TV cameras that they are allowing themselves to be belittled.

Give em something you can't understand- I could just kill a man

I hate when people stare at you like they lack the mental capacity of a fetus. I just want to pull out my imaginary Uzi, put on the silencer and blow their brains out (and eyes too).

Hair and Eyeballs

Where does the hair go that you cannot get out of your eyes? Dies it accumulate somewhere, dissolve into your system?

I ‘m starting to doubt my natural talent.

Michael

No one could possibly understand (well maybe a few), but to grasp my deep devotion and adoration…it’s just out of this world. Spiritual, out of body, but deep in consciousness state of existence. I love you Michael.

I have just been moved to tears. Haven’t cried since last week. This time though the tears were not as sad.

Deep ass song lyric of the day: 9-28-10

Deep ass song lyric of the day:
Do I believe in God? Do I believe in me? Some people wanna die so they can be free.
~Prince (Controversy)

Master Cleanse: Day 2 10:05am

Master Cleanse: Day 2 10:05am

I want some lucky charms. I can just imagine myself savoring those marshmallows. I bite down and the smooth, sweet, marshmallowy flavor jus explodes in my mouth, Ooh, I can’t be stuck in traffic and am already going to be late for work. I kept wanting to stop and eat. I mean sit in the restaurant and eat…I was gonna be late anyway. But I resisted temptation.

9-28-10: TRAFFIC!

9-28-10

Traffics in LA will bring out your inner homicidal maniac. It took me damn near 2 ½ hours to get to work.

I really don’t have the patience for the Steve Harvey Morning Show. He ain’t on there half of the time anyway

9-27-10 Master Cleanse Day 1:

9-27-10

Master Cleanse Day 1:

I feel weak and don’t even know how I am going to muster the strength to squeeze the lemon juice for tomorrow’s concoction.

Janet Jackson: True Hollywood Story

You know, after watching that Janet True Hollywood Story I see parallels between her and Rene’s split and the divorce of Pat and Malik Yoba on Why Did I Get Married Too. Like, him taking credit for her work and suing her. I hope it didn’t get ugly in real life. Seems like as quickly as he came out publicly with the suit, he went away. I bet she settled.

9-23-10 Deep ass quote of the day:

9-23-10
Deep ass quote of the day:

“Every successful revolution puts on in time the robes of the tyrant it has deposed.”
~Barbara Tuchman

Hope Suicide

I get it. I totally get it. I can understand the pain and the urgent need to escape said pain, but only under the circumstance of profound loss. I get it. It’s a hard, cold, dark place. 6 wall closing in on you.

How long does it take to gain 30 lbs. back?

4 years

Wynton Marsalis looks like Emmanuel Lewis.

Angela Simmons and physique gene swap therapy

Angela Simmons has a bangin body! I need to get on her genetic/diet plan. Ooh, wouldn’t it be interesting if scientists could inject you with someone else’s genes/DNA who has the body type you want and these selected genes could over take your own physique genes and your body would morph into the desired body type?

Debbie Morgan

Wow, Debbie Morgan turned 56 today! Wow! She is the epitome of dimples. So classy too. Just learned on Wikipedia that she used to be married to Charles S. Dutton. Who Knew!

I am allergic to my weave

My ears are itching and I have taken to putting hydrocortisone on them. 2 more days and I am back to wearing my own hair.

Things that came to mind today: Jackie Jackson, Chick with the Coretta Hairstyle and the Great Bowel Motivator

Just thought of something really funny and slightly explicit. So ya’ll know that Jackie Jackson CGI.I shall call him the lean, mean makes you want to cream machine. And now I am thinking of Boston cream pie. I don’t like Boston cream pie. Not a fan of cream pies in general.

I refuse to believe short lady with the Coretta hairstyle has that much to talk about on the phone everyday at like 6:15am. Really? You are not an executive handling east coast accounts.

(sigh) my eyes run dry from the constant shedding of tear. It’s like the cry equivalent of a dry heave.

Peanut Butter and Granny Smith Apples: The Great Bowel Motivator.

I have no problem with paying $3 to leave items at Mike’s grave. I’d spend more if they were charging more. It takes people and space to move all of the things left for him. This still feels unreal. A loss I refuse to accept.

50 is scary

I’m scared to turn 50. Everyone keeps dying. Why does God always see fit to take the good ones? Maybe they are too good for this earth. Which means this must be hell. He sent them here for a short time on a mission of high importance. Well dine he said and home they went.

Rap verse of the week:

Rap verse of the week:
Ughhh...Another soul lost
Had to make a shirt match my ox blood colored Porsche
Ughhh...The rims match of course
Blood hit his Timbs it reminded me of them
Glistenin' wrist on chiller
Gun in the same palm of gorgeous killer
I put this on my lord my niece was 4 when she felt chinchilla
I past the shore for that shit that made fiends rise from the dead like
Thriller
Gangster...Hustler
At night still found time to kiss my mother
Live like I'm dreamin' kick my feet up
Gun pulled my waist remind me of my demon
So quite ya yappin' fore I get to clappin
And have your body parts mix and matching fella
~Clipse

what's another term for milk?

This person who wrote an article about generic products called milk “Moo-Juice.” HILARIOUS!

Deep ass statement of the day: 9-13-10

Deep ass statement of the day: “You’ve been so lost in thoughts about where you SHOULD be that you’ve overlooked the obvious. Buddhist teachers define hell as wanting to be somewhere other than where you are in the present moment. If you’re feeling restless, you don’t need to run away. You need to slow down…burn off some of the nervous energy percolating through you veins…otherwise, your overwhelming passion could transmute to rage or other base emotions.”
~ My Elle Horoscope for the week of 9/13-9/19

Random stuff from 9-13-10

My day is officially fucked up. Bad back white lady sat with me on the bus this morning. Shiiitttt!!!!

On a sad note; 14 years ago today Tupac died.

Where in the hell is Shania Twain?

OMG, I am not a Barbie person, but these Bob Mackie Barbie’s are fucking amazing.

CLEAVAGE!

My heart, lord my heart. Why?

I really don’t know how I feel about Family Guy anymore. It just lacks substance or anything thoughtful. South Park is better. I have cleavage and I think it’s because I’ve gained weight.

VH1’s Greatest Artists of All Time Commentary and Top 10

I don’t get Jimi Hendrix and Bob Marley yet. Maybe with more time I will. Fuck Elvis Presley! Damn! Whole Lotta Love by Ike and Tina was originally a Led Zeppelin song! Really #2, #2, well who the fuck is #1 then? Really, I cannot think of anyone else. Oh I forgot about them. It’s cool. The Beatles.

10 Stevie Wonder
9 James Brown
8 Elvis
7 Prince
6 Jimi Hendrix
5 Bob Dylan
4 Rolling Stones
3 Led Zepplin
2 Michael Jackson
1 The Beatles

Quote of the day Thanks to Macy Gray (which is weird because I despise her)

“He’s so fearless. It’s like the music monster ate him?”
~Macy Gray in reference to Prince on VH1’s Greatest Artists of All Time.

Advice of the day: 9-11-10

Dear teenagers making out behind the tree in the park. You should have a blanket down before you catch critter crotch.

Starbucks Is Horrible (Gagging)

I got someone’s free Starbucks coffee coupon in the mail so I used it. Man, that toffee mocha frappucino was blended beyond recognition and 97.6% tasteless. The only thing that had taste was the whipped cream. I totally understand why I am a Coffee Bean fan. Starbucks is gross and I vow to never spend my own money there.

Eureka!

I now understand how Mike sometimes sings extra words or the wrongs words to songs. In my voice lesson today I was adding words to These Foolish Things because it just flowed better fro me. Eureka!

Bath and Body Works Gate

And they have the nerve to talk about us. This white lady came into the store today and returned shit so old most of the people that work at the store was like WTF. I promise you that shit was like 10 years old. The store manager confirmed it. The Store manager was so nice about it. All of the products were used and I mean damn near empty. There were only 3 items that I remember ever seeing and that was back when I first started in the winter 2008. And the returnee had the nerve to claim she was embarrassed. BITCH! You bold as cat piss to come to a store and return 10 yr old shit without a receipt. I have been broke and have had to hustle, but I have home training and would never return used hygiene and beauty products.

Hurley

You know, Weezer has an album coming out titled Hurley and it has Hurley from Lost’s picture on the front. I am tempted o give it a listen just because Hurley is on it. I don’t own a Weezer CD. I have never even bootlegged a single, but because Hurley is hands down the must enduring character in television history I am inclined to try their music. Pretty good marketing ploy.

Quote of the day:9-10-10

Quote of the day: “And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”

Thanks Dana! ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Love-some verse

I envision meeting my soul mate on the dance floor. We are dancing to whatever upbeat song then the DJ puts on The Beautiful Ones by Prince and somehow we know what we must dance. We come in close, the lights go purple, and the other dancers seem to disperse. We dance intertwined, more like a melting of souls and bodies in to one. I feel light, my heart is beating fast, I have butterflies and my breath is somehow labored as we dance. Eyes closed, but hairs on end. Feeling out the situation. I am so acute to the vibes that I start to feel pain. The song reaches its peak. “Do You Want Him . Or do you want me? Cause I want you.” And I feel drained. It’s electric…The Prince goes “baby baby baby baby I want you. Hooo! Yes I do.” And then the song ends and we look into each others eyes with fear and bewilderment and know that this is it. You are the on. So this is what heaven must be like; this right here. I bat my eyes to keep the tears from falling. It has begun…Love.

Dogs and bursting into song. la la la la la

If I ever ever ever ever say I want a dog slap me. The puppy kept running out of the garage when I was trying to leave this morning and I was late for my bus. Well later than I wanted to be, but I still made it. I don’t understand why he doesn’t understand. I cannot do dogs and kids who do not listen. Sit yo ass down!

Ooh, yesterday I felt so moved by Michael. I had to burst out into song. Call On Me was the light in my heart whose words and soft feel comforted my soul.

Why does rot ba dop dop doe mean?

Oooh, Time Warner Cable Man

I’m on the bus and we just passed a Time Warner cable van. The driver has a lap top open on the middle arm rest and there is a video of a horse running on a track. I refuse to believe he is watching that as a part of his job WHILE DRIVING. He is just watching TV.

whoa is me

It is super stressful being the one everyone runs to for help when there is never help when you need it. I don’t ask for it because I know they are in no position to help me. I soldier on alone. I kinda see a small glimpse into how Michael must have felt; being of support to his family even when it jeopardized his healthy and happiness. This feeling I feel always harkens back to the lyrics of That’s What You Get For Being Polite.

Very Bad Wax Figures. dun dun dun

Ooh, when I was in San Francisco I walked past the Wax Museum and they had a horrible wax figure of Mike sitting on a stool throwing up the deuce. It looked nothing like any of his faces. It looked more like E Casanova to me. They didn’t even get the eyes remotely close. Sad, but I didn’t even get chocolate wasted. I just had chocolate. The devil is busy. In my life there is no such this as happiness. We simply trade one hell for another.

Elle is a Liar and nasty make out scene

Ewww, I can’t believe that Lindsey Lohan and the other white chick made out with Danny Trejo! Whose name I just learned when I went to see Machete.

Oh now this is funny. I recently learned that Juan is Spanish for John and my uncle John has a son named Juan. Not sure if that is how you spell it, but that sure is how you pronounce it. Weird, huh?

Fuck you Elle! You Lie! You Lie!

Damn Vodka Commercial

Saw a commercial for Svedka Vodka and they are using Dancing Machine as the music for it and all of the club-like people are doing the robot. That is wrong. I know that Michael doesn’t have writing or producing credits on that song, but his image and artistry are being used to sell alcohol and Michael would NEVER do that. Whoever gave permission should be ashamed of themselves. You are so money hungry that you are tarnishing something so happy, fun and pure.

San Francisco, oh how I hate thee

9-5-10

San Francisco, oh how I hate thee. My life has been on a catastrophic downtown since Friday. First what about me-gate. Then the accident on the 14 that made me two minutes too late for the 5:30 Fly Away. I lucked out in being on the 1st stop, but I had to run to be the last person on the plan. I mean, one minute later and I would have missed it. Then I sit on the plane next to Super PDA Asian Couple. They were hugging and caressing and kissing. The chick would end up leaning on me because for some reason she felt compelled to try to ball up in the seat. Then she started feeling sick and her boyfriend had to ask for water. She was coughing and her nose was running. I was worried she had SARS or Chicken Swine Cow Flu Fever. Then when she finished blowing her nose she stuffed the snotty tissues in the seat back pocket. You nasty bitch! So the ride from the Airport to downtown was cool. Went to Walgreens, bought some pads, which had me like YES! Got to the hotel and checked in early. My room was a hole in the wall, but I figured it would suffice since I THOUGHT I would be out of the room for the most of the time. I had a lovely view of a brick wall, other windows, and a back alley. The window was ideal for committing suicide since there was a surface below all of the windows.

Brother-gate happened so any hopes of kickin it were dashed. I soldiered on alone to be smushed on a cable car back to Market Street. Some old man was way too close up on me. I mean his body was smack dab anchored to my butt. I was so uncomfortable. I decided to go to the mall since it was at my stop. Got my poncho from H&M and went to see Machete. Robert Rodriguez is the shit! The mall was closed so I took a cab back to my hotel to avoid walking at night alone. I took a shower and decided to nod off to Dave Chapelle about 11ish. I wake up at about 12:50 something and my life was irreparably ruined. There were bed bugs on my pillow. One bug was full of blood when I killed it (hope it wasn’t mine) and a small one. Then after I jumped up, stripped naked, unwrapped my weave and scratched all up and through it. I killed the two on the pillow, on eon my t shirt and one on my ear I changed clothes filmed the scene, and then packed up to go downstairs. There were no more rooms available at the hotel so they transferred me to another America’s Best Value Inn. So by 3am I was at a better hotel scratching like a crack head and sleeping in a chair because I was afraid to lie in the bed. The worst part about the 1st hotel is that I never even got under the cover. I just covered up with a blanket I brought. The staffs at the hotels were nice and I got to stay in a king bed suite with a kitchenette at the new hotel with no change in rates.

I now find myself at brainwashed-washing the clothes and blanket I had on me at the time of the happening. I could have been angry at home! The worst part about all of this is that I am alone.

Recapping yesterday, I went to Brenda’s Soul Food and for there to not be a black person working there the grits was the bomb. Had ice cream and chocolate at Ghirardelli’s and rode a cable car.

My mom and her friend are en route to come spend some time with me. I’m telling you, I am, so glad my mom is up here in the bay area this weekend. The best part, well the 2nd best part of this day is when I walked into Brainwashed they were playing Mike. I think I should spend the evening singing and maybe trying to write poems/songs. I like the vibe of San Francisco though; Real city like. And it is seriously full of gay men. I feel out of place over here trying to wash. Oh and San Francisco is a very bike friendly city. Everyone rides bikes here. Oh and Pandora station they have playing here is the shit. You Can’t Touch This! Ooh, and people loves them some dogs. Everybody is walking their dog. Good news is that there is a variety of dogs. Not just little bitch ass ones.

9-6-10

My mom came to my rescue yesterday. She and Mr. Calvin came. We saw sea lions and drove down Lombard St and went to the Golden Gate Bridge. Rather colorful character, that Mr. Calvin. The seafood smelled great although I didn’t get any. For dinner I had horrible McDonalds from a McDonalds that hadn’t been renovated since 1986. It was HUGE! Had an upstairs and everything. Went to sleep in the chair again. Took my cab to the Powell Street Bart Station. Got there and people are lined up outside and the gate was closed. Turns out they were running on a Sunday schedule. There were no signs, posting, NOTHING stating that! I had to catch a $17 hotel airport shuttle when I had a bart pass with like $12 left on it to accommodate my roundtrip to and from the airport. I ended up giving it to a black lady at the airport who was asking for donations to some cause.

I really regret this trip. Good riddance. I’m on the fly away and this Haitian black person from an island ass woman has talked on her cell phone since she got on here. In my mind I envision my evil self pulling off her wig and telling her to shut the fuck up! I feel like pigging out out of emotion. I ain’t even hungry.

Rap Verse of the day: 9-1-10

Rap Verse of the day: “Standin on the corner straight slanging rocks. Awww shit here comes another crooked cop.”

NWA

9-1-10

Was watching some show about NWA and what exactly did Yella do in the group? Ice Cube has a big face. Easy E was cute; Nice perked lips. It seemed like AIDS took him way to fast. He had to have had it for years. The offices of Ruthless Records looks like the same building Edmonds Entertainment is at now. Had a dumb moment where I forgot BONE was am Eazy E group. I feel very proud of them and what they accomplished. I don’t have a real memory of the group and their impact as I was like 7 when they came out. Ice Cube CGI.

Funny how this was a rap group with a lead rapper and he didn’t want to rap in the first place. I wonder if Dre has any regrets. He has been associated with a whole bunch of drama and somehow he came out clean. I also forgot that AJ Johnson played Sleazy E in that one Dre video.

You must read the credits to Cd's. It is so educational. AND THE MOTHERLOAD IN THE BUS BATHROOM

Humh, listening to Chaka’s The Woman I Am and I just realized that Rahsaan Patterson sings Chaka Style. It’s the phrasing and harmonies, definitely some of the ad-libs too. OOOHHH, and Michael Bearden played the piano solo on You Can Make The Story Right.

I hate the YBF’s website. It takes forever for all of those photos to load.

OMG, there is a major sewage issue on the bus. The smell has lingered far too long for it to have been a fart. I think somebody blew up the bathroom. I promise you it’s getting stronger. Are they still in there?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHAEL!

Its 2:23am ad my stomach is making a noise like a Sci-Fi ray gun. I’m up practicing for the birthday flash mob since they decided to send the location at 11pm the night before. This disorganization and last minute-ness does not suit my personality.

The flash mob was AWESOME! I was so fierce dancing to Scream. I truly enjoyed being in the fandom. I was so fierce on Scream, do you hear me. I went to his star. There was Mexican praying candles there and notes and flowers for him. I didn’t even think to bring anything. I also learned that he has 2ND STAR on the Walk of Fame. It is for radio and on Vine near Sunset.

And across from his 2n star is THE JACKSONS’ star. I also saw Quincy Jones’, James Brown’s, Smokey Robinson’s, and Billy Dee Williams’ star around the same area. We went to Amoeba Music and it was AWESOME!

I bought the original pressing of TWYMMF single on LP and the original pressing of Dangerous on CD. I also got a Chaka Khan, Batman Soundtrack, and the second Nikka Costa CD. O must go back. That is like music heaven.

Oh yea. I went to Hooters for the first time. It’s nothing to write home about.

The MJ Birthday Party was cool. Major technical difficulties hampered ?uestlove
S DJ set, but he pulled out some gems like Body Language, Hum Along and Dance and Life Of The Party. He even played State of Shock and Tell Me I’m Not Dreaming. He didn’t really DJ. It just sounded like a mixtape. The event went til 4am. We left around 3:30. Best part was although the supposed cut off time for the RSVP Price of $20 ended at 11:30, we got there at 12:30 and still paid $20. Samantha Ronson was there. She is very skinny and a little greasy looking. She cusses too much. There was no reason for her to say Fuckin so much when she was on the mic. I spotted Bilal in the crowd and he is SUPER SHORT. Like, maybe my height. DJ Scratch was there and they said DJ Jazzy Jeff was there, but I didn’t see him. There was even this dude there dressed like the Jackson 5. I called him the Jackson 1. HE EVEN PLAYED SUNSET DRIVER!!!!!
A DNK A DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH!!!!

Lottery Machines and Cell Phones are not my Friends

Grrrr. Damn lottery machine! Had me late for being late to the bus depot. Took that lady forever to figure out that the machine wouldn’t turn on until 6am. I had to go! Of course when I got back to my car the clock said 6:01am. Whore Hooker!

Oh and for some reason my damn cell phone won’t hold a charge. WTF? Charged it last night. The battery said full so I unplugged it. Woke up, brushed my teeth, came back, and the battery icon was red. Grrrr!

OOH TIN MAN, YOU LIED

Wait a Minute! The Tin Man on The Wiz didn’t have a heart and was singing “what would I do if I could feel”, but he was crying over Teeny before they even left the amusement park! Now, I ordain crying a feeling. Or at least an action derived from a feeling.

Eminem

I’m not an Eminem fan, but at least he raps about something. He always has a story to tell.

Unfortunate Slight

I feel stressed and not blessed…I don’t know what I was thinking to send that invite out. Results are as I figured.

and one mo mothafuckin thing

Also, why does it take 2 years for that bitch ass ni99a to go to trial?!!!! January 4th? FORREAL??!!!

I had a Billie Jean Moment and Jay Leno is aiight wit me.

I was walking to work this morning and there were leaves on the ground and I had a Billie Jean thought. I wanted to walk in the squares and swish my feet and pop my collar. Why are there leaves on the ground in LA in August anyway?

So tonight is Michael Jackson music night on Jay Leno. They are playing Mike into and out of commercial breaks. Kewl!

VH1…why can’t David Hasselhoff visit his star on the Walk of Fame?

VH1…why can’t David Hasselhoff visit his star on the Walk of Fame? He is proud of the accomplishment and since he can’t take the sidewalk home with him it makes sense that he would want to go see it every once in a while.

I tried meditation, the Yogi looka like a man

Meditation was interesting. I DID COME AWAY WITH ONE THING: For this is just a vessel, my soul shall be free. I thought of Michael. He is a light, a beacon that calls my mind, my heart and my soul to peace.

Hey! I passed by that LA Ink place tonight. I was on La Brea and saw pink walls and guitars and words in a window that read LA Ink. Then later, flipping through the channels I received confirmation. Kewl!

Back to meditation: I thought the Ananda Yogi dude was a lady. They had a big picture of him/her all glow with them Mexican praying candles. Turns out it was a guy. He is very pretty. The black aura around his head looked like hair. I thought it was just an old painted photo circa 1950 or something. The yellow orangey thing/top he had on looked like a dress. Nice color. There was a broach or something on that piece of clothing/dress/shirt thingy too. So, that’s why I thought it was a lady.

As a man it looked like a version of a Star Trek crew member shirt. There seemed to me to be more yoga than meditation, but maybe they go hand in hand. On a side bar: it’s 6:10am, and I am so hungry right now. Abnormally hungry.

They passed around a collection plate afterwards. Aside from being cold I kept peeking when I heard movement to see where people were going. Didn’t’ want nobody over bear my purse. Ooh, the other cool thing was that when trying to clear my mind I envisioned Mike as a light. I also felt a little light body wise. We had to do some chant and I liked that. I liked the way I could feel the vibration of my vocal chords throughout my body.

Another side bar: I’m on the bus and the white lady who just sat beside me smells like Jheri Curl Juice.

I dunno if I will go back to meditation class again. Was talking to a foreign chick named Olga. She seemed nice, but when the conversation was turned to her she was uncomfortably vague. I asked her what she did and she was like I help middle class people with money. I was like, oh a financial planner. She was like not quite and she skirted around a real answer. I then felt duped like I had shared too much info about myself with her and she was probably pumping me for information getting read to scam me. I was the only black person there, but apparently there had been a black female in attendance before because some dude was like Hey, Tonya right???

I am so stoked about the MJ Bday Flashmob. Apparently Scream is the hardest choreography to learn and yep I was assigned to the group. We are gonna rock it. I gotta go outfit shopping. Wish I still had had those black pleather pants from high school.

Why this really short black lady on the bus always on her cell every damn morning? Who are you holding long, in-depth conversations with at 6:20am?

ANNOUNCING THE TOUR OF THE DECADE

If Chris Brown and Usher really do go on tour together they should title it THE CREAM YOURSELF TOUR.

IN THE YEAR 2000....IN THE YEAR 2000

I am officially old. There is a show coming on TV in the fall called My Generation and it soap operally chronicles the lives of some members of the Class of 2000.

Pointer Sisters Dream, Stuff I accomplished on 8-16-10, and Maw and Paw: the cutest little old couple ever

Just saw the cutest older couple; Maw and Paw. Maw was like 4 ft nothing with skinny jeans and the cutest espadrilles on. Paw had on a long sleeved henley, cargo shorts, and white addidas with a skull cap/baseball hat combo on. He saw with her at the bus stop til she got on the bus, then put his hands in hi pockets and walked off. From the back you cannot tell that he is elderly.

I deduct that my car has a 10 gallon gas tank because it too me $29.05 to pump 9.465 gallons and my gas hand was right above the empty line.

I have got to strive to be the best Monica I can be. I think I am a person who needs occasional validation or else I don’t see how great I really am. Yesterday was a pretty good day; store meeting: slayed them fools! Saw Shrek 4 and Donkey called Gingy a cracker! Had Sonic, got things together for the swap meet. Slept, ate, watched T.O., watched Mica Paris, put new sheet music on my musicnotes.com wish list.
The only 2 things that could have made this day better was Mike being here and a man to cuddle with as I went to sleep.

Totally forgot to report that, but I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was at some gospel concert or a practice before a gospel concert and I was told to sing for The Pointer Sisters. I sang some gospel song they had written. The crack head one loved my voice and was something like..I’m gonna have fun with you and this song.” Weird, huh?

Dogs are to Slavery as...

You know I am just realizing how breeding dogs is like slavery. The puppies are taken away from their families with no say in the matter. I think dogs are pretty smart so Thor (the new puppy) has to be pretty weirded out and home sick right now. If I had animals and they bred, I couldn’t bring myself to sell away their offspring. Hence, I should not have multiple pets as I am emotionally predisposed to hoard.

I don’t know- a poem

I don’t know who you are. I don’t even know how you got here. I remember hearing about you the other day, but we ain’t cool. I don’t know what made you think we could share the same space. I don’t like what I’ve heard about you. And so far I don’t like what I see. What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you staring at me? I hate having to share this mirror with you. Your stank ass attitude. Your shit all over the counter. Bowing me out of the way. I’m thinking all this to myself. But dare not would I say. You are the worst kind. A jumbled ball of frustrations and contradictions. I can see your eyes and they’re wide open, but closed to the danger. I’m scared of you and sorry to see…that in myself I see you. Because it’s another side of me.

Why is it that I am drawn to tortured souls?

Why is it that I am drawn to tortured souls? Maybe it’s because we are one in the same.

Civil War and Wildfires

Why does there need to be a civil war reenactment in Long Beach? The war wasn’t even fought out here. Weird. This wildfire business s scary. Praying for Compton Crip and Ed.

7-29-10 Quote of the day

"That woman kissed his ass so good she had shit on her lips."
~Me in regard to all of the damn emails thanking the chief judge

Happy 52nd Birthday Michael...I Love You More

"ON AUGUST 29 OF 1958 AN ANGEL WAS BROUGHT TO THIS WORLD TO HEAL IT AND TO LOVE ALL PEOPLE IN IT "

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MJ

FROM COAST TO COAST TO GIVE UP THE GHOST

POW WOW ISLAMABAD! By George I've Got It!

OMG, someone said Indian and my first thought was Middle Eastern, not Native American. That is the first time I have ever correctly associated the word with the right people right off the bat

Discipline

You know, people are really sleeping on Janet’s Discipline. I only skip two songs on the whole CD, which is great for today’s music. Come Back To Me is the ultimate Janet song.

MJ AIR

I watched some “new” out take footage from THIS IS IT on David G’s Myspace. Not all of it was new. The coolest new thing was the MJ AIR plane. The new stuff could be on the DVD, but I have yet to get up the nerve to watch it; Still in the wrapper in the Best Buy bag with the receipt. He made me smile. I felt really blessed, then sad. I need to feign strength.

Quote of the Week:

I Am The Damned
I Am The Dead
I Am The Agony Inside
The Dying Head
This Is Injustice
Woe Unto Thee
I Pray This Punishment
Would Have Mercy On Me

~ Michael Jackson's "Who Is It"

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there lived a girl and all she really wanted in the whole wide world…was to be loved.

Who exactly is the King of LBC

Who exactly is the King of LBC and why is he always handicappedly parked on the meters on Temple? One would think that a King would have to be strong, able bodied, and a force to be reckoned with. In his current state his court and subjects have ample space and opportunity to overtake the throne, accuse the King of treason, and behead him at the stern of the Queen Mary.

That California ideal of beauty is a hard beast to ignore

It takes hearing the issues of others to truly out your own mess into perspective. Some ladies admitted to having eating disorders in the past. Wow! Like, any body issues I have never/will never keep me from eating or purposely throwing up. I really wonder what is going on in your head to make you stick your finger down your throat. I have prayer slots open for them all. I weigh more than all of them. I think it’s a cultural thing. The vast majority of black women are not going to deprive themselves of good because they aren’t at their ideal body weight. It’s just so sad. That California ideal of beauty is a hard beast to ignore; Eats women alive here.

Why do black men (rappers from the 90’s in particular) always convert to Islam?

Why do black men (rappers from the 90’s in particular) always convert to Islam? Like, what are they preaching? From the outside looking in it doesn’t look so liberating for women. I respect it, but I don’t get it. I’d fate someone who is Muslim, but I wouldn’t want them pressuring me to convert.

There are too many black singy dudes out these days. Usher, Mario, Trey Songz, Neyo, Chris Brown, and there’s probably 4 more, but they suck too much for me to be aware of them. I’m not sure if Drake is a singer or a rapper.

There’s an empty nervous feeling in my heart. The feeling we are apart.

I had a dream

7-21-10

I had a dream that I was in a musical and I was the lead. I was also doing a great job. I also dreamed about something else slightly no as good, but delighting.

This white lady just got on the bus looking like Teena Marie circa 1985. I think it’s the reddish-blonde hair color.

I’m tired of my commute.

This Commercial Makes Me Feel All Weirded Out

I'm kinda down, but not for long... And why is Killa free and Lindsey Lohan in jail?

I just really wish that I had more money. I hate being dependent on others and now I feel like I am not wanted. I never understood the reason behind keeping things mum and the one person I did tell apparently blabbed to whomever they didn’t want to know. I don’t foresee this being a fun time. I kinda want this to be over with already.

Now how the fuck did Lindsey Lohan get jail time and she didn’t even kill anybody??? The California justice system is a mothafuckin joke! How in the hell is killa free and she is in jail? Weird how this time I want the black man in jail and the white chick set free. All depends on the offense.

OMG Becky! This song was about sex!

OMG, Becky! A colleague and I just realized what It Feels Good by Tony Toni Tone meant. It’s About Sex!!!! We were kids straight singing the words to this song. Umh umh umh!

An Ode to Usher

7-20-10

You know, until I watched Usher’s Behind the Music last night I had forgot why I liked him so much 12 years ago. I felt that electricity, the butterflies, that giddy ass 16 year old me again. I also never stopped to take in how much of a success he is. Once I heard the numbers I was like DAMN! I also think I had a yummy dream about him. I wonder why I stopped being a fanatic. Maybe I kinda got a life. And I was totally unaware of his dad, the fact that he and Chili went way back and that defense rant on TRL. If he came in concert and I had the money I would go because I can actually sing along, as opposed to my interest in seeing Trey Songz. I don’t know not one of his songs so going to see him because he is cute sounds damn stupid at the age of 28.

I had a 3 hour commute to work this morning. Grrr! This LA traffic and damn you clumsy big rig driver!

Man, in retrospect, Usher was selling sex to me and I was 13!!! OMG, I cannot be a parent. The world is so scary. Had my little mind wondering about explicit yumminess.

Ooh I'm Just Happy Daphne Maxwell-Reid has taken my job."

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Quote of the Week: If you want me to kiss your ass then you have to put it in my contract." Janet Hubert

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The Pussy Cat Dolls is some thieving ass hoes- or at least their management is

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Neyo and Aunt Esther

7-16-10

Drove to work this morning and I must say I am so glad I did. Man, I was jammin down the 5. Neyo was on Big Boy’s Neighborhood and has such a pleasant singing voice. They played some Stomp the Chump game where he had to sing random songs they played. Of course they played a lot of Mike. That so tired of love songs song goes…Calendar that’s marked July 16th. TODAY IS JULY 16TH! Money by The Ojay’s hit so hard. I even heard Wait a Minute and How Many Licks.

7-19-10


There’s a lady who rides the bus with me who wears church suits and her hair is flipped like Cane’s grandma’s hair, but to the 10th power. She looks like Aunt Esther.

Man, I cringe to even listen to Saturday’s voice lesson. I cannot live the life of a Rock star. I have got to figure out this emotion thing

John Oliver and South Africa's Amazing Racists

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Oliver - World Cup 2010: Into Africa - The Amazing Racists
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

THIS WOULD BE THE BEST COMIC PAIRING OF THE PAST 2 CENTURIES!

If they did a stand up special it would be heart convulsion inducing. The laughter would be off the charts. I miss ya'll. Please tour soon.

Regina Belle- So Many Tears

So Many Tears by Regina Belle has been playing in my head today. "And I don't even pray anymore at night cause I don't think that anyone hears."

Today is the day is the day

On hold with Kaiser Permanente and the on hold music is After The Love Is Gone by Earth, Wind, and Fire.

I would rather have muisc than food. If I lost a sense I'd rather it be sight so that I could still hear music.

Today July 12th

7-12-10

Last night was hands down one of the worst nights of sleep I have ever had. I don’t think I even nodded til after 3am. Saw 2 whole episodes of Roseanne, 1 episode of Hot in Cleveland, and some of Home Improvement.

The more I look at Trey Songz the more weird stuff I see. Like he has mini eyebrows above his eyebrows and the tips of his nostrils look like Calvin’s from the PJ’s. That hook, stick out thing.

The beat boxed melody to Who Is It has been in my head for like 2 days.

I wish my MP3 player allowed me to give songs more than a 5 star rating. That Damn The Beautiful Ones by Prince!

Hey You by Floetry feels like

7-9-10
Hey You by Floetry feels like an overcast rainy day in London or New York. There’s a brisk chill in the air on an early October day. As I look out the window of my apartment; three stories over the corner store below, I breath warmth onto the window. It’s frigid surface. I look at the slow traffic of a dismal midday. People on foot are walking slowly. Letting the water ruin their shoes. Everything is in black and white. I feel alone. Lonely. Dusty from a lack of love. I look out, over the rooftops. Above. And hope that my complimentary spirit and soul is out there looking for me through the rain too.

Trey Songz done made me tear up

7-8-10

Trey Songz done made me tear up. He said something like the measure of a man is by the lives he affects. I LOVE YOU MICHAEL, SO MUCH. YOU HAVE AFFECTED SO MANY LIVES IN SUCH POSITIVE WAY YOU ARE UNMEASURABLE.

It’s been a week. I guess it gets easier. I'm behind the camera again.

7-2-10

It’s been a week. I guess it gets easier. But the pain never goes away.

Today I was behind the a camera for the first time in over 4 years. It felt really good. I hope to do it again some time soon. I’d really love to be more confident in my skill level and compete with all the white dudes. I was the only female on the production crew. Girl Power! I enjoyed the energy of the holistic, green, vegan people.

I feel really low

6-28-10

I feel really low; down. Like I’m drowning or stuck in some mud. And I don’t want to be at work. I don’t want to be at home either. There’s no one safe place for me on this Earth. I’m defeated. I might as well be paper floating in the wind.

Larry King’s Mike Special

6-27-10

For some reason I feel compelled to watch some of Larry King’s Mike Special. I wonder what this next week will be like.

I Cried about 5 times total in the past 24 hours

6-26-10
I decided not to avoid playing Mike all weekend. They played I’ve Been A Fool on KJLH. I started feeling sad. I tried suppressing the tears. I’ve been whimpering and looking for a BOA I ended up in Encino on Hayvenhurst. Didn’t look like nobody was outside the house. What luck? Not really luck. I didn’t even think I’d be over here today. I finally broke down crying. Once when I laid down to go to sleep (my optimum think too much time) and again while driving on the 405. You know what’s hurtful; None of my immediate family reached out to me yesterday. I got more love and concern from friend and sorors than the people I live with. Sad. Living here this way has lead me to believe that whatever happiness I am to get out of life is to stem from my relationships with people outside of my family.

I kinda hate I even bought that gift. When I was in Encino I accidentally found Jerry’s Deli that TMZ saw Ron Jeremy and Chandler from friends at. I now know where Stevie’s is at too. Cried about 5 times total in the past 24 hours (sigh).

June 25th, 2010...the Countdown to Paying my Respects to Michael at Forest Lawn

6-25-2010

Forgot yesterday. I saw a man jogging in his boxer briefs. That is dedication! I forgot my shorts…well I’ma jog in my drawers.

I have the bestest cousin ever. Thanks for checking on me. I’m glad I’m at the window today. It’s keeping my mind engaged therefore I wont have time to think about today. I did tear up when the lady asked if I needed a card for the flowers I bought. I answered no. There is no one to read a card. Then people at work saw the flowers and were like Ooh you got flowers! I just had to dryly answer no…I bought them for someone. I have one co-worker who has been diminutively supportive and I am thankful.

It’s 3:56pm and I’m nervous. Hard to hold back the tears.

So I went alone. I could have parked way closer. There was a mini mountain to walk up. I felt like I was on the verge of having an asthma attack. Three was about 100 people there. I saw a lady and her son from last year’s valley TTW practices. A black lady talked to me. That was nice of her. There were so many flowers. Lots of banners representing people’s countries. Apparently they released the doves some time today. I probably could have drove in there. People were up there parked in cars. Even saw one charter bus full of people. I didn’t cry. I teared up, but didn’t let a tear fall. Security had to place your flowers and stuff for you. For the most part they were nice. I bet they got a nice work out today doing that thousands of times. We could only sit flowers around the back at the door that said Holly Terrace. These girls were boo hooing and I was on the verge of crying. I hate to see others cry. I thank God for Darren. I really don’t know where I would be without him.

I saw people graves who were born during slavery; Died in the 1950’s. There was one impersonator there. I feel it’s disrespectful at the cemetery. Leave that for an entertaining occasion. Another wacker looking one was outside the gates. When I walked up that mountain alone it felt really symbolic. Big and meaningful. Like it meant something for me to do it alone. KJLH is playing all Mike today.

Didn’t know Prince was gonna be the big award getting person at the BET awards. Soooo… the party was wack. It started off alright. They didn’t play ALL Mike. They had This Is It on loop. The dudes there were wack. There was bad ventilation. Some of the chicks in there looked so young. Did they just turn 21 yesterday? My feet started hurting and I was hot so I sat down…I was down for over an hour. Even after the DJ got back to playing Mike I was still so over the event. Glad I didn’t pay a cover. This [arty lacked the awesome energy and positivity the MJ v. Prince Party had. STONE THE DJ!!!!! This dude can’t mix Mike to maximum Mikeness. How he go from Workin’ Day and Night to Beat It?????? A better song would have been the PYT remix or Off The Wall. The way he stacks the songs is not cohesive. It seems really random. One mood doesn’t get slowly transitioned to the other and when he did play a good song (I.E. Luchini) he stopped it after 1 hook then played something else then went back to it. I found myself just sitting and watching THIS IS IT or playing Diner Dash. Or just sitting and vibin’, but I didn’t feel compelled to dance. I won’t be going back to that event and if I do somehow find myself back there I am not dressing up I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

That DJ didn’t play Shakeabadadown or DSTYGE or BAD. He didn’t play anything obscure, no B sides or nothing! He was incapable of making us feel the spirit; The Magic.

But the best thing about the party is that the DJ played Freaks of the Industry so I got to do our PB Stroll al by myself, but I was so excited.