Tonight's Lesson: Belief vs. Trust

Tonight I was told that he believed in me, but didn't trust me. It shook me. Sucker punch to my emotions. Then I had to really research what belief was and what trust was. Found this beautiful poem that really illustrated the difference for me. I guess I don't trust him yet either.

Belief is Doubtful, Trust is Certain
Belief is from Mind, Trust is from Heart
Belief is Lip Service; Trust is Heart Felt
Believe many; Trust only a Few
Believing is Easy, Trusting is Hard
Belief scores 50%, Trust scores 100%
Belief is Ordinary; Trust is Extra-ordinary
Belief is Start point; Trust is End Point
Belief is Limited; Trust is infinite
Belief is Shaking Hands, Trust is Embracing
Belief keeps Control; Trust gives up control
Belief is jumping opportunities; Trust is staying
Belief is not Time Tested; Trust passes Tough Times
Belief is Partial; Trust is Complete
Believe in Thoughts; Trust your Intuition
Belief in God is Attempting; Trust in God is Surrender
Belief is Important; Trust is Essential
Belief is Plastic Rose; Trust is Real Rose

(23-June-2010, Chennai) 
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/0978-belief-vs-trust/

What is Reproductive Health to Black Women on the Generation X-Generation Y Cusp?

Black women born between 1975 and 1982 represent a special niche in the 18 to 49 coveted age group. They are stuck in between two eras; a time of black power and unity and a time of me, me, me and a feeling of entitlement.

As a black woman on the Generation X-Generation Y Cusp, the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Reproductive Health is Freedom. Freedom to choose. Freedom to abort. Freedom to give birth. Freedom to say yes. Freedom to say no. Freedom to be the master of my own body without a man, white man, or slew of politicians who do not know me or my situation to dictate what I can do with my body. 

That Freedom allows me to have children when I am ready. I cringe when I think of the millions of women who came before me and the millions who shall come after me who could not (for whatever reason) control when they had children. In this sexist society a woman is made to sacrifice her dreams and aspirations while the man can skip out and follow his dreams and society doesn’t even bat an eye. When women do the same they are seen as a monster.  Women lack the freedom and societal acceptance of their male counterparts.

Freedom, an inalienable right that has been kept from generations of women.  A right that is still at risk in the 21^st century.

If you are a black woman on the Generation X-Generation Y Cusp, what is reproductive freedom to you?

Respect the Creator: How to Take Charge of Our Reproductive Health

Sexual and reproductive health issues concern the black community because a woman’s womb is the foundation of every community.  The womb is the source of life. Without the source being protected and nurtured the community shall come undone. To not love one’s creator, mother, sister, daughter, grandmother is to not love one’s self.  From the womb came civilization.

We have been conditioned by a misogynistic society that holds on to ideals that are out of place in the 21^st Century.  Because of this we face challenges when it comes to health care options, access to contraceptives, and pre and post-natal care. We have to become the captains of our own ships as they are the vessels from which life springs forth. To remedy the injustice of our situation we must:

1. Educate ourselves. This information may not be readily available so we have to seek it.
2. Share the knowledge. Take what has been learned back to our families and friends.  The sharing of this information allows us to find like-minded people with whom we can work with to create an agenda.
3. Engage with doctors. Express needs, concerns, and ideas about our health care practitioners.  This can also be an opportunity to gain an ally.
4. Find a forum.  The proper forum to share an agenda can be town hall meetings, public meetings, and networking events with healthcare professionals and community advocates.

Regroup and repeat.

Have We Lost Our Culture?

As I follow brother Runoko Rashidi on Facebook I saw a post of his that read..."Never Lose Your Culture." My question to you is, have we as African Americans lost our culture? Did we ever have one? If so what is it?

There are times when my people are so pro black that they put down things that by choice or force are a part of the African American experience. I have seen people put down the eating of soul food saying..."that's slave food." Shit, I like soul food. I am not ashamed of it. By necessity slaves ate the leftovers or items not deemed edible by whites, but they made it delicious. It's a skill to make the best of what you have, to innovate and create.

I see young people (early 30's and under) in LA who have grown up in a fake racially homogenized utopia and they are unaware of their blackness. They are not proud of their blackness. They do not embrace their blackness. They are ignorant of their blackness. So they don't reflect their ancestors in their everyday lives. I find that the 2,000 plus miles between the Midwest and West Coast keeps the movement slow and abated here at times. What is it that keeps them blind? Easy, their parents and grandparents don't pass down the history, the struggle, the victories, therefore kids are shocked when some non-black person overtly treats them less than. All along thinking they were equal when they were just being pacified with material things and pretty weather.

I personally think our culture has evolved into us trying to reconnect the Africa. We are an uprooted people without a complete history and direct line to the land of our ancestors. I know I personally hope for a meaningful connection to my brothers and sisters in Africa.  However I do recognize how our African brothers and sisters who have come to America and mimic the materialistic (money, clothes and hos) part of what we do and don't know African American history. There lies the disconnect. Do they know, understand, and respect our struggle? Do they understand and recognize the psychological stigma, oppression and behaviors that have been passed down from generation to generation as a means of survival? Do they judge our culture for what they don't fully understand?

So, what is our culture?
Soul Food?
Blues, R& B and Rock and Roll Music?
Vernacular?
Story Telling?
Hair Styles?

Have we lost our culture?

Does Black Female Privilege Exist?

I read an article on The Root by  Diana Ozemebhoya Eromosele about "Black Female Privilege." I'd never thought that I had privilege over my black male counterpart. It made me think and realize that I do have privilege that black men do not have.  A couple of days ago a Nigerian friend of mine pointed out that women in the US have more job opportunities than men in the US. He had a very valid point, in my past two jobs the workforce was overwhelmingly female.

I recognize that the white world view black men as more of a threat than black women. I am less likely to be harassed or profiled by police based on my outer trappings (clothes, car, hair, etc.) thus allows me to traverse the white world with a little bit more ease.

Chime in. In what ways do you recognize your Black Female Privilege?

Scared little black girl stuck in a woman's body. Don't you realize you're hurting yourself?

These days it's all about the ass and twerking and other nonsensical jibber jabber. It hurts my heart. It gives me great unease to see black women objectified, but the new chasm in my life is the fact that sistas are objectifying themselves. I peruse through photos that my instagram followers have liked and all I see is ASS ASS ASS ASS. Chicks just putting it all out there for non-factor ass people who lurk on their pages to give them cyber validation. I wonder, how do they see themselves. Are they proud, independent, hard-working, god-fearing, soft spoken, super diva, around the way girl type women? Or are they a scared little black girl stuck in a woman's body looking for love in all the wrong places? Do you realize you're hurting yourself. 

You may say...it's more than black women posting provocative photos on instagram, but let me clarify my position. My focus, my interest, my passion, my pride, my love is for MY PEOPLE. Now...

Who are the people who double tap photos of women in thongs with their asses perched on bathroom countertops? Who are the people who people who comment "Bad Bitch" like that's a badge of honor? Who are the people who comment in every conceivable disrespectful word, phrase, and emoji?

Bottom feeders, horny cyber dwellers, lost souls who don't have a sense of pride or respect for themselves so how in the hell can they respect and empower the chick who is looking for love in all the wrong places? It's the blind egging on the blind. The lost sending pinpoints to the lost. It's a cycle of ignorance that has always been here...it's just easier to see in this age of technology.

Scared little black girl stuck in a woman's body, you are beautiful, you are special, you are intelligent, you are worthy, you are loved because God made you so. Put your efforts into respecting yourself and not seeking attention from men who are not mature enough to respect themselves.

To quote whoever in the hell RuPaul got this from..."If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

What Shall I Do?

If you long long enough
If you are patient and kind
If you put your heart on the line
If you go along sometimes in uncertainty
If you make yourself the person they want you to be
Will you find love
If I don't...what shall I do?
What shall I do if I think I am ready for love, but I am not.
What shall I do if it doesn't work out
What shall I do?

-A Black Girl's Blues

Don't date just to have shit to do...date with a purpose

I date to find someone compatible. Someone who enhances my life. Someone fun. Someone intelligent. Someone I would want a future with. After 1-2 dates I know if this is someone I'd like to spend more time with. Dating just to have shit to do could lead to the other person feeling like they have a chance when you know good and damn well they don't. If I have learned anything in the past two years, it's that actions don't necessarily dictate intention. Do you date just for shits and giggles? If so, Why?

Seasons

Thought I found something so real. So sticky sweet and the most organic connection yet. Shit just got real and I gambled and lost. Everything has its season and that was last winter.

I am very happy that I am in a new season; Spring. The sun feels good on my skin. The air is crisp yet laden with the slightest dew. I am hopeful that the seeds that are currently being planted are going to bloom into the most beautiful extension of two life forms. Something blessed by Gaia...something blessed by God.

He beams like sunshine. I call him two scoops. If he is the sun then I am the rain.

I've loved and lost

For the first time I truly opened up to receive love and I lost. I held hope when the odds were against us and I lost. With each passing week that hope dwindled, but not my love for you. I have professed my love and my prayers for your happiness and prosperity for you are a great man. And now I sit, stuffy nosed and red eyed after sobbing aloud. I lost. In the words of the late Amy Winehouse, "Love is a losing game."

Sometimes I can't find the words or if I find them I can't corral them into a cohesive bunch to convey an emotion, but I find that in my time of wordlessness these songs will suffice...To let you better know, why this black girl has the blues.

The Best Vocalist Alive Is...

Rachelle Ferrell is the best vocalist alive. I will debate this if someone gets ta set trippin! Just take a listen.

What's up with me and men from Africa? Trend of 2013

So apparently Africans have been checking for me all year, but I didn't notice it til the latter part of the summer. After reading older blog posts about my trip to Europe I saw that Dame, the happy Kenyan, tried to get at me at O'Sullivans in Paris. The African security guard at The Eiffel Tower asked me to marry him and held on to my purse for as long as he could during the security check. At the Palace of Versailles the African janitor told me he loved me. Then back here at home I picked up the Tall ass Kenyan named Issac, that thankfully I haven't seen around the hood (since he can't follow through on a date). He lives around the corner. Then comes Solomon my Nigerian BBW stalker. He straight came to my job all summer to smile at me and shake my hand. Finally exchanged info. Cool people...but he doesn't have my heart. Now my favorite Nigerian is over here rocking my world! Is this a sign that I'm not meant to be with an American? WEIRD!! #PRINCEUCHE #RULEROFZAMUNDA #SNACTHEDFROMTHEMOTHERLAND

I saw Idris Elba and caught the vapors!

I was blessed to get tickets to Jimmy Kimmel Live yesterday. The rest of this entry is typed and is to be read in the most lustful Blanche Deveraux voice one can muster.

I have been attending free tapings of TV shows in this time of underemployment. I decided to check for tickets to late night shows and I'll be! Idris Elba was gonna be a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live (which is not actually live). I clicked to sign up and get tickets from some internal yearning to be set on fire by a black gawd!

As I sat in the audience the pre-recorded show intro played and I received my last confirmation that this hunk of a man would most definitely be on the show. I took in a deep breath in anticipation of the sight of Black Adonis!

The moment came when his shadow appeared behind the blue lit door. I inhaled and butterflies shot up in my stomach. Circling and settling in my uterus in the shape of a heart. When the door opened my body jerked and my lady parts tingled. Deep within me a yearning arose from the most inner parts of my anatomy and I released a soft moan of OOOOOHHHH that I am sure the man sitting next to me heard.

His pants were so tight and I honed in on his manhood and the length of his legs and the sveltness of his torso. His long arms, broad shoulders and large commanding hands. His accent finally settled into my ears like like a Luther Vandross OOO OOOOO OOOOOO. The salt and pepper accentuating his beard, his white teeth, his purple high top converse and slightly cuffed skinny jeans. I wish I was that chocolate he was cutting into shavings during the cooking segment.

I'm jealous of Guillermo's mom, Elba...she got a hug and was his play wife for like 10 minutes.

Lord Have Mercy...I think I need to go sit out on the veranda and drink a nice refreshing glass of lemonade as these vapors are damn near impossible to relinquish. [bite curled up pointer finger in hot blooded anguish]

Spirituality vs. Religion

I am a firm believer that godly messages come in all kinds of packages. I can grow and learn and change for the better without stepping into a church. A message that the world so needs to hear comes in unexpected packages. I am a spiritual being and I don't base my love and belief in the most high on following the flock to organized religion. Religion...what is it? According to Merriam Webster it is "an organized system of beliefs, ceremonies, and rules used to worship a god or a group of gods."

Spirituality, what is it? For me it is the belief in a higher power and living in your truth. A relationship between yourself and the most high. What I don't like about religion is that organized, rules part. My relationship with God is just that...MY relationship with God and a church, pastor, deacon board, and praise team should have nothing to do with this relationship. The same way you keep your friends and family out of your romantic/personal exploits,keep riffraff out of your spiritual exploits. I see so much misinterpretation and inequity in the church and it makes me cringe. Be who God made you to be and don't let organization keep you spiritually scattered.

Am I hopeless?

I'm in a battle where the odds are against me. Wait and fight for 4-5 years and I'm still not guaranteed victory. This is disheartening. Gonna pray on it. Love? Is that you? What dictates who we fall in love with and who is just a passing fancy? When the future is unsure what do you do? I'm afraid to throw in the towel when the undercurrent of the black love connection is so strong. Am I hopeless?

Window Shopping While Black

Last week a friend and I happened to stop by a jewelry store as we were on our 4 mile fitness hike. I realized after being in the store for a couple of minutes that I was making sure to keep my hands in plain view and out of my hoodie pocket for fear of being profiled or accused of stealing. I kept my hands clasped in front of me right near my chest. Not that the lady gave any indication that she would profile or accuse me of stealing. Does anyone else find themselves changing their behavior in certain settings as not to bring unwanted prejudice your way?

7 months later...He told me that I was too strong of a woman. Maybe the 4th time is the charm

I wrote this blog entry back in June 2013 and never published it. I actually forgot about it til last month. Once I read it again I became afraid to share my feelings about failed love and self doubt, then I thought maybe someone could learn from this or feel like they are not the only ones going through relationship purgatory


I was told by a man that I was too strong of a woman...maybe you are too weak of a man. I am not going to doubt myself a moment longer. I am going to stand resolute and be exactly who God made me to be. If you cannot allow me to move in my own time you aren't the man for me. I pray for strength and that this time it holds. There is no going back to a relationship purgatory. I told him that I liked him a lot and had deep feelings for him and wanted to pursue a relationship. He needed affection like yesterday. I admitted I had some work to do in that department, but when he told me he wasn't going to make me a priority if I wasn't going to make some changes it felt like a slap in the face. It was rejection. I have never had to play second or third fiddle so I was taken aback by that. Instantly I was in defense mode. Why do you develop feelings for a person who you cannot get along with for a prolonged period of time? Is there something wrong with me? Am I angry and bitter from some past experience? From my recollection, my last relationship didn't end in drama and heartbreak so why is this so difficult for me? I wish I could reach out to my ex and ask if some of the issues I am having now were problems for him. Maybe he was better equipped to handle said issues. I don't know. It feels mighty bad to feel less than when you know you are worthy of everything under the sun.

Maybe I set myself up for failure. What hurt the most was that I really started to let my guard down. I showed vulnerability to a person outside of my family...and it wasn't enough. The changes that I made just weren't enough. Back to the drawing board. I'm so mad at myself for passing up chances with other men who didn't quite captivate my heart the way he did. Who didn't quite make me feel the way he made me feel. If I'd jumped his bones last year he'd be happy and we probably still wouldn't even be in a relationship. It's funny that today at work I went over it over and over again in my mind. How I was gonna tell him that I wanted a relationship with him and tonight we are where we are right now.

There were signs. There are always signs, but I chose to ignore them. Twice in the past couple of weeks he made it abundantly clear that I was not a woman that he would commit to no time soon. Silly of me to hold on to hope. Or was it wishful thinking. I often wonder if this was God or if it was the Devil. What is it about this man that for the past 7 months I have not been able to shake. What is it that after the January, February, and March blow ups we still somehow managed to keep this fuckery of emotions and ego going?

No one changes. You gonna be the charming insecure man you are and I am going to be the too strong not overly affectionate woman I am. There is no changing who you are at your core. But what will change is the respective people we choose to have in our romantic lives. And I bet they will be a much better match. If we are the core, they are the flesh. We were a peach pit and an orange trying to mesh...only science can bring the two together...not even the human basic need of love could keep us stitched. Our foundation was never strong in the first place.

It seemed like everything I was proud of about me he shunned. He told me I was too womanly. He told me I should "put out." He didn't like natural hair...unbeknownst to him I am natural. So now I sit here writing. Not angry. A little mad. Not crying...although I can feel the pressure of tears wanting to release from my passages. There's something about the 4th time that's different.

If I could go back in time I would wish that I were able to warm up quicker and be more affectionate. But even with all of that I am still not certain that I would be in a relationship with him today. He wouldn't be my boyfriend because we'd still have the same issues of me being too strong of a woman even if I had succumbed to the powers of nature. In this one I was going on feel. And I did not feel that the time was right. I'd act only when I felt it and not a moment sooner. It's interesting he said me not being all over him made him feel unattractive. I found that odd, because you should feel great about yourself and some woman fawning over you shouldn't make or break your self esteem. I just think it's insecurity.

He's not a bad man, maybe just not the man I'm meant to be with. Maybe God sent him along as a challenge and to get the ball rolling to work on myself.

What he wanted was affection and I move too slow. What I wanted was his time and he was always busy. This purgatory, umm umm umm. It becomes a mental holding cell. Where one day it looks promising that you'll be released and the next you sitting in between despair and loneliness.

It took 7 months. 5 of which have been rather turbulent with long bouts of us not communicating or seeing each other. For some reason this cycle has run its course. I look back and I smile at the good times we had. And I hang my head in sadness at all of the hard times. Two phenomenal people on our own, but together we are passionate, inconsistent and entitled to shit that the other person doesn't naturally give. Opposites don't attract...they more like combust. This shit just blew up. Now I need to go out and find a way to put out the fire, collect all of the shrapnel and debris, and take another chance on love.

7 months later...he told me that I was too strong of a woman. He told me I was not at the top of his list when he was at the top of mine. He said nice words, but his tone was venomous. I said harsh words and my tone was venomous. He told me that I play the victim. I didn't know that. Had never heard that. Still don't understand exactly how.

It became apparent that this shit wasn't going nowhere...and here we are. He said hit him up tomorrow. I told him I would not because I need time and space to deal with my emotions and try to wrap my mind around the fact that I want a man that I cannot have. I am not him. If we are on the phone arguing and just said that we cannot and will not pursue a relationship with each other why in the hell would I call you tomorrow to shoot the breeze? Tomorrow's conversation would be generic and dry at best. How am I to give up on loving you then call your tomorrow like ain't shit happen. Was this all in my head?

Maybe the 4th time is the charm. Love songs (good and bad) started to make a lot of sense to me in the past 5 months. I stepped outside of my norm on this one and unlike the Sanaa Lathan movie...Something New did not work out for me. It's scary for a single black woman over 30. I put myself in a position to be sad (kinda) with someone over being happy by myself. I never knew that I was deficient until I met him. But as I get ready to lie down for the night I pray that my emotions don't overtake me. Tomorrow will be a new day and another man will come...hopefully soon.

R&B Divas LA has been like therapy...Black Woman Struggles

Watching R&B Divas always made me cry or realize some deep seeded issue I have. It was comforting to know that other black women have faced some of the same issues I have faced in life. I felt a little more human, a little more normal, a little less ashamed. Life is a struggle, every day is a struggle. It gave me a little more encouragement to keep fighting. I can see a part of myself in every woman's story.

Photo Courtesy of missxpose.com

Michel'le- I have always loved her. I have older siblings so I was always up on the late 80s/early 90s R&B. My sister used to wear that curly finger waved Michel'le do. I went on a self date back in 08-09 to Stevie Wonder's House Full of Toys. It was back when I worked part time weekends for the court. So after I got off I went to the Grammy Museum, to eat at the ESPN Zone and to see me some Stevie Wonder...all by my GOT DAMN self! To my shock, Michel'le was added to the show. MANNNNNNN, let me tell you. She got chops and is so humble, but comes out like a power house when it's time to perform.

I got beats by Dre on my laptop...Now I feel some kinda way. Totally not supporting his domestic violence ass again.

Claudette Ortiz- She is the reason I am watching this show. When I heard she was going to be a member of the cast I lit up. I remembered how beautiful her voice was and how moved I was by her vocal ability. Dayum she sho is Purdy! I pray for her, she seems so hurt and being stoic is her way of seeming strong when she really isn't and I can totally relate to that.

Lil Mo- Man, I love how candid she is. I see my past when I see her go all Rah Rah. I love that she doesn't change. What you see is what you get. Her make up be strong as hell, but I guess it's a part of her allure. Her husband looks like a derelict. I guess he's nice to her because I don't see where the attraction could come from. He the black version of Linus from Charlie Brown. He just looks dingy...like he has his own personal dust cloud. Mo has an amazing voice. I just want her to transcends that hood shit and BRING IT. I wanna see he on Broadway. I can feel her energy and it's rather effervescent.

Kelly Price- I like her voice, not her. If only she would not have came on this show....sigh. Her behavior on this show was so unbecoming and the reunion was not the time or place for you to wear your SGRho pin. Do your sorors a solid, by not acting a plum damn fool on TV...just go somewhere and be dumpy and sing.

Chante Moore- I knew nothing of her personality wise and I am glad she gave us a lil sumthin to laugh about. She's very relatable and I look forward to her if there is a new season. I had forgot how technically sound she was as a vocalist. I always thought Kenny Latimore was gay too...so I therefore declare that he is...just like Wendy. LOL. Plus he loos like Skelator from He-Man.

Dawn Robinson- Dawn, oh Dawn. Man, I wanted to be you so bad when I was little. En Vogue IS the greatest female singing group of all time. Their execution and range in genre is the bestest thing I have ever heard from a group of people singing. I wish she was stronger. She needs to be fortified. Not sure if she's been this timid and discombobulated all of her life, but she sure needs to some unconditional love. She seems a little broken and misguided and I pray for her. Her voice is smooth and feminine...almost delicate like a rose petal, but with a vibrant fuchsia hue. I will continue to root for her no matter what because what she and all the other member of En Vogue did for little black girls in the 90s was a blessing. They were beautiful, talented, strong, and carried themselves with class. It's hard to come by that these days.

That R&B Divas Tour with Faith, Chante, Kelly, Keke and Brownstone...I think Im'a need to be all up in dat PIECE! If it happens...but in the mean time I am hoping for a second season. It felt good to watch black women not acting too much of a fool and really leaving the viewers with a message because of their shared stories and the shared history of the black woman. No one could ever imagine the day to day anguish to be a black woman in America. It's like we're fighting against them and out own kind everyday just to be respected.

Jesus is a love song - sung by Clark Sisters

Tell Obama I want my donations back...

and reimbursement for mileage to go work the phones for both of his presidential runs

They talk of spending our tax dollars on Syria when American citizens are losing their jobs. Myself along with 17 others got laid off from federal service with the Judiciary on Tuesday. I had been there 4 years. Others had been there for 10, 15, 23 years. More cuts are coming in March. It doesn't feel good to see America spend money helping other countries when people are suffering here. Detroit is in Bankruptcy, you don't see Suriname sending an envoy to help the city's operate. You don't see Ukraine here with military presence to curb random shooting violence.  I guess now I have to pay attention to ObamaCare.  I can't afford that shit. I'll be without health insurance by the end of October.

The cat needs her yearly vet exam and litter. I hope my birthday is ok. All of my ideas are up in the air due to #unemploymentgate. I do still have my part time gig so thank god for small favors and a severance package.

I wish I was the cat...she seems so carefree. Sleep, eat, shit...do it all again.