Update to how I feel

I'M JUST BURNING DOING THE NEUTRON DANCE! Ahhhhh, I hope that's his kid!

OOH OOH OOH This shit is so good! Mike's 9 1/2 inches and Omer

WHAT REASON WOULD JOE HAVE TO LIE ABOUT THIS ONE?
Best quote that fits exactly the way i feel about this:
"Well I hope it really is his son. I’d like to think Mike got himself a little poon-tangy at some point in time. Why have 4 kids without the fun of getting them."
~momono3

MAN, IT WOULD BE SO AWESOME IF THAT WAS REALLY HIS KID! BLACK MIKE GOT SOME COOKIE PIE! AHH, THIS JUST TICKLES ME PINK. MAN, I AM GOING TO BE LAUGHING IN MY SLEEP. THIS WOULD JUST BE SO FREAKIN' SWEET! I CAN'T EVEN HATE!
AHHHHHHHH, just let me scream!

Other people who should be dead and simple beauty

As I am one for simple beauty, I just saw a pic of Mike one of my damn near hundred books/magazines and I love it. It is very simple. He doesn’t look to have on make up. His eyebrows are not arched. It was like nose #2. He has on a plain red shirt on top of a building during sunset. He is looking off to the right of the camera, biting his bottom lip with no real expression on his face. I love that photograph. Yea, I love it some much I didn’t say pic or photo…I said Photograph. I think he looks very close to the Mike I like in the Suzuki commercials. Just a decent looking black dude in 1980.

I hate super close up pictures of people. I really don’t want to see every one of Mike’s pores and his stubble. Why does this pic reminds me of a bird, cockatoo thingy? Maybe he had a bird in the same photo shoot, but a different shot. Hey, I have 83 Mike books/magazines, 28 records, 37 CDs (38 if you count he Paul McCartney CD I have for the Say Say Say single). I’d love to aim for 100 books/magazines, but with his passing, collector’s items are probably expensive as hell on EBay. I haven’t even looked, I’d just be disappointed at my poverty and the turn over of the ol’ mighty dollar. Wait, why is Mohammed Ali still alive? He got parksons turrets n shit! Can we do a trade for folks still living that already have one foot in the grave to get Mike back? Michael J. Fox, Suzanne Summers, Patrick Swayze, Stockard Channing? Wait, ain’t shit wrong with Stockard, but let’s throw her in any way.

Loneliness brought us together and because of it we shall never part

Deep, see I told ya’ll this was our connection! In a 2002 interview with some chick at Vibe she asked “Are you ever lonely?” He answered, “…But you can have a house full of people and still be lonely from within…” That is how I feel! Always have for as long as I can remember. Ok, as slow as I am, looking through the Victory Tour Souvenir book and Miko Brando is that dude in the security team from Moonwalker when the tourists are chasing Mike around the movie lot, who knew?

Collector's Items and things I realized while taking my Mike Inventory 2009

I really need to pay attention to the Mike stuff I have. I didn’t even know there was a DVD to the 25th CD…and I have 3 of them. There are different covers and slightly different versions of the remastered/remixed version of Thriller. Billie Jean really isn’t a short film to me, but hey, whatever. Man, Mike needed a sandwich on the Thriller cover. I am just reflecting back to when I visited the Grammy Museum back in May and that suit from the cover is tee wee bitty. Maybe it was all synched up and pinned to the mannequin body?

Why do teenagers always want to put their names on stuff? I’m taking inventory and on my Diana Ross Presents album, Jill Peterson wrote her name on it. Thanks for getting rid of your albums in the 90’s Jill. Now, I have it...muhahahahah (sinister laugh). I used to put M’s on the back of all of my CDs. AWEOME! MY MICHAEL JACKSON RECORD PLAYER STILL WORKS! And as a point of clarification: The big ones are
33s the small ones are 45s and you play a record from the outside-in. YOOO, I got the Bad LP with the spoken intro on I just can stop loving you! I hear that some LPs don’t even have the spoken intro! Awesome. Mike be spitting that sensitive guy game at the beginning. Be murmuring the chicks right up out of they panty drawers. Man, I need to be in the studio with somebody so I can get credit for clapping, finger snapping and creaking sounds. Mike gets credit for clapping and finger snapping and Frank Dileo gets credit for creaking and heavy breathing. I have to listen harder…I didn’t hear any heavy breathing.

Aww shit! Randy looks like Nick Cannon with lip gloss on on the cover of a 1979 issue of Ebony.

Quote of the century from a September 1984 issue of Life: “As the world’s No. 1 music star, Michael has ushered in a new freedom of style for the young. With a touch of pancake, plenty of eyeliner-yet hardly enough beard to shave- he, along with Boy George and Prince, has set a new standard in androgynous allure.”

In all honesty, that dude shaves so often, I forget he can even grow facial hair…and I noticed something else. You never see his tongue. He sings for a living so his mouth is always open, but you never see his tongue.?????? I know, weird observation. I bet he had to wake up some days and his face hurt, geez. Yo, I’m glad some person I bought Right On Magazines from threw in some newspaper clippings from 1984 too. Stuff about the Grammy’s and the Pepsi hair on fire incident.

Having Mike Breakdowns In Public

I don’t know what I am supposed to do when in public. I was passing by the $1 Store in the mall that has those Mike Tribute shirts and a teenager walking by said his name out loud. My body jerked. It hurt to hear his name. Spencer’s has Mike posters and a really cool T-shirt. Simply done. Not all kinds of graphics and shit going on. I walked into Old Navy and they were playing Never Can Say Goodbye. I went into Sheik Shoes and they had Mike T-Shirts. Too damn expensive to me, what??? did they weave the cotton for the shirt by hand ($31.95?)????? I passed by Art Plus Gallery and they had a framed poster of all of Mike’s album covers and then some for $49.99. I just can’t keep my emotions in check. Loss…I don’t ever want to lose again. The way I’m feeling, I kinda hope I go before my mom and granny. I don’t know if I’m cut out for loss.

Breezes, Rain, and Perms

It’s really nice outside. There is a smooth summer coolness to this mid summer desert breeze. I’ve always wanted to stand in the rain and just take it all in. Feel the cool water cascade down my face, but I be worried about my perm

6 Degrees of Michael Jackson

Let’s play 6 Degrees of Michael Jackson. We’ll I don’t always have to use all 6 Degrees.
Suge Knight (that’s easy)
Suge-Death Row-Tupac –Poetic Justice- Janet- Mike

Let’s try something harder: Bob Saget!
Bob Saget- Half Baked- Dave Chapelle-Charlie Murphy- Eddie Murphy- Mike

Ok, last one: Kerry Fischer
Kerry Fischer-Blues Brothers-Directed by John Landis-Thriller-Mike

Ooh, Wayne Gretzky
Wayne Gretzky-had a cartoon with Michael Jordan- Jam video-Mike

Yo Magc Trick Got Stone Cold Busted and Big Titties

Another major development: I JUST SAW THE MAGIC TRICK! Usually you be like how’d they do that? But with the jet pack suit trick I saw the change. Mike got all suited up, went into box #3, bent down then they lifted box #3 from the ground he was standing up pushing the cart with the jet pack on it. If he were truly standing on the stage we would have seen Mike’s feet in the little crack between the box and the floor. PLUS, they showed a long shot of the new person and his nose was Waaaayyy too big. David Copperfield got a shout out for helping with the magic tricks. I applied for a personal assistant job with Copperfield in Vegas soon after I moved here. Then the shit hit about some sexual harassment or rape or something. I’m not sure, but it was some violation of a woman. That would have been a cool job because you get to travel.

One more thing, there is this heavy set lady at the concert with a dingy, thin Mike “Keep It In the Closet” look t-shirt on…WITH NO BRA. I mean them titties is just-a flopping. One would think that you would go out of your way to be decent to the 57th degree. It is Michael Jackson concert! You gotta be ready just in case your wildest dream comes true and you get to go back stage. No groupie shit for you, but you’ll be back stage wandering around…and likely won’t even see Mike cause he’ll already be in Nigeria by then. He moves like Ninja! You should see him bust his Bruce Lee moves on Beat It. If you didn’t know any better you’d think you was about to get Kung Fu’d The Fuck Out!

Live in Bucharest- I'm Michaeling and didn't cry

Watching Live in Bucharest and its funny how you don’t notice things I haven’t watched it since I moved here. They play the tantrum part of the Black or White video and when Mike is up on the car he moves so damn fast in between dance movements….but he crosses his chest and shoulders like Catholic people then grabs his junk. Funny as Hell! He also grabs his junk and rubs his nipple…I kid you not! He makes me so happy I laugh when nothing is really funny. I just be tickled. I am just so damn happy. His eye make up was nice on there…you should check it out! (In kid reading excerpt from a book of the day on Reading Rainbow voice). Amazing how music unites people. I’m looking at this audience and the majority probably doesn’t speak-a-da English, but they know the lyrics to these English songs. Man, this dude (Mike) just did a cheerleader move on Black or White. It’s the split rushing/split Russian thingy. Yo…the lineup from BAD to Dangerous didn’t change much. All of the background singers are the same, except the chick. And all of the major player dancers are the same except for one. And guess what…THE CRUNKEST BACKGROUND DANCER EVER IS BACK! Eddie Garcia! He is the one that I have named the “other one.” He has a beard, mustache like thing going on. Wow, he looks like such an adult. He was so young on the BAD tour! And the dude I named Viper is actually that random white dude that I just noticed like 2 weeks ago on the Bad Tour. So all in all we have Paula Kelly aka Lavelle Smith, The Other One aka Eddie Garcia, Viper aka Randy Allsaire, and the new dude…I call him Mr. Jay because he has a platinum blonde high top fade thing going on.. Mike called Greg Phillanganes Greggorum again. The two people who had been with him the longest are Greg Phillanganes and David Williams. Even Bill Bray got credit for being the executive in charge of something, what I don’t know. It wasn’t even security. Executive in Charge of getting Mike whatever the hell he wanted, I guess.

Wicked Ass Baby Names

Wicked Ass Baby Names:
- Shaolin Dozier ( Shaolin Monk + Lamont Dozier)
- Osai (some dude’s name off the Avatar cartoon)

Mike album sightings

Was at Target and saw BAD and Dangerous on the shelves. You usually never see those. I don’t appreciate Rolling Stones’ cover and story. It’s negative and all about the supposed “drama” at the end of his life. How about write about the music nimrods? I’m going to do some inventory photos tonight. Haven’t done that since I moved here. Was at Best Buy and they have the Thriller 25th on LP. WOW, guess they are making a come back. Glad I got that Michael Jackson record player. EBay was how I lived between 2005 and 2007.It was only $24.99, but do I really need another Thriller? And, guess what…They have The Jacksons Live for $5 at Wal-Mart. I’m mad! 10 years ago I paid at least $13 for that damn CD. It’s good. Randy be doing something to Mike and he be hollering “No Randy No!”

Denny's (womp womp womp)

It’s crazy when the best part of your meal is the toast. Thanks Denny’s! I can’t find a place to serve me a damn waffle that ain’t charging $10 around here! I miss The Waffle House.

Funny how your blessings can also be your curse

He is such a strong man and people don’t fully appreciate the will, the fight in him. Many people could not have endured the things he has had to endure.

Dreams

What jars us awake in the middle of the night? It’s 4:40 something a.m. Now I feel worried, perplexed, afraid. Since I’ve been tossing and turning in the dark I have been worried about Mike. This whole situation is just eating me up from the inside out. Why did he need to sleep so bad that he’d go to those lengths? There is such a risk in that. What went wrong? I don’t think I understand yet. I’m tired of hearing things about “supposed” his personal life and his medical issues. I just don’t think I want to know all of that. I’m scared and sad and confused and angry. I just keep worrying that he was alone in the end. Gotta be pretty lucky not to go alone. My mom would always say...when I didn’t want to do things alone…”You are born by yourself, you’ll die by yourself.” At least it wasn’t in a hospital. I just want people to stop doing him like this. It’s so unfair. It’s just so wrong and so short sighted.

Is this the beginning of the end? I just really need things to get better because I worry for myself. I know I can’t be the only fan going through this. I face each day with great uncertainty. I don’t know if I was dreaming about him when I woke up, but he sure as hell was on my mind when I awoke. I feel that Diana Ross was on my mind/in my dream, but that could just be synapse residue from watching and enjoying her in Mahogany the other day. I do remember reflecting on that time she was over seas singing with that blonde wig and red pants suit on. She came down and sat on Mike’s lap and sang to him. He looked so bashful and happy. He tends to hide his smile sometimes; like Ceelie.

My neck is tight with the stress of a hard life. I hurt on so many levels it’s damn near metaphysical. I don’t want to greet each day with questions. I want to wake up and go to sleep with a game plan…execution in progress. Sleep…how do you do it? I think too much. Bed Time is when I am finally still and everything comes crashing in…my mind just jumps from place to place; leaving no room for slumber without a fight.

The Funniest Shit Just Happened

So, Im updating my facebook and I get a friend suggestion. It's my Momma! I didn't even know she had a facebook page. Hil- Fuckin- Arious!

Conrad Murray Must Die!

Let me rant and rave about some shit I said from the get go. I TOLD YA’LL THAT NIGGA WASN’T RIGHT. HOW IN THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO BE A PROFESSIONAL DOCTOR AND SHIT AND PANIC, WAIT 30 MINUTES TO CALL 9-1-1 AND NOT ROLL WITH YOUR PATIENT TO THE HOSPTIAL! He guilty as the day is long and I am hoping somebody shanks his ass in jail. I want him to get 2nd degree Murder! 15 to life and he betta get life. He is going down in infamy with John Wilkes Booth, the Oswald dude who killed JFK and James Earl Ray! Man, I would pray for a special situation and that congress would let the constitution go lax and let the fans lynch his ass in a public square. He betta run for his life because it’s about to be a bounty of hatred on his head. I want him to die a slow and painful death and I’ll laugh all the way through it.

Speech Impediments and the Radio don't mix

I hate when people get on the radio talking about important stuff, but have a speech impediment. Just-a-stumbling over his words. Somebody Daddy was an assassinated Black Panther Hammonds Jr.

Scary Big Right Ear Lady

Why this lady just walk in with a big right ear? It looked elfkin and prosthetic. Her Peter Pan hair cut didn’t help much either. I was slightly alarmed at her presence.

BAD

OMG, so like seriously BAD is THE crunkest Michael Jackson song ever! When the beat drops its like bananas! AHHHHH! Fuck this, I’m about to dance all up in the workplace!

Reverse Eye-itis

I have slight scary deep eyes. Life if I stare at them in he mirror they are kinda eerie. Especially when I can see the reflection of light in them. Reverse Eye-itis.

Mama I wanna sing!

Wee hours of the morning and I am thinking about what would really make me happy in life. IT’S MUSIC! I want to sing.

Eddie Murphy should receive some kind of contribution to black culture award

Eddie Murphy should receive some kind of accolade for his contributions to Black culture. Eddie deserves a lot more recognition. How many times in your week have you referenced something from The Nutty Professor, Coming to America, Harlem Nights, or RAW? HE BEAT JOE LEWIS’ ASS! He needs to gain weight in the face these days. He looking like the male Ally McBeal. The lack of fat in his face takes away from his smile. He has a nice smile; dimples.

DreamWorks is Evil!

Damn, every movie I’ve watched lately has been by DreamWorks! What’s up with dat? I’m having an eerie time with the Mike References. Read in a posting 3-4 years ago attributed to the oldest member of 3T (Taj, Tarryl, one of em) that Mike was originally in on the deal to start the company, but blah blah blah, show biz, Jewish people, and David Geffen took the slot. Hence, the similarities between Mike’s and DreamWorks’ boy in the crescent moon logo. I bet Spielberg hasn’t gotten as far as he has being nice.

It's been a month to the DATE

It’s been a month to the DATE. I wonder if he was awake at this time a month a go. It’s 6:59am. Can you ever truly be ready to go? He has reasons to live. Me, I don’t. Not that I am contemplating leaving here, I’m just saying. Others have kids, significant others, obligations…just motivation to keep on soldiering. I don’t. It’s all on me. It’s just me. I’m tired of it being just me. All the lonely people (i.e., me) where do they all belong? I wonder if he owns that song? I wanna sing. Maybe this week I’ll catch whatever is going on at The World Stage. Outlets are good for the soul.

I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this. There will be people born into this world who will only know of him by what they hear. Not what they’ve witnessed. This is going to be a hard day. It’s starting off with me in the dumps. I don’t even feel like being social. I get a sensation from my soul that I just want to burrow in my blanket and kinda cry myself to sleep. Amel was the catalyst for my sorrow re-emerging. It was always there; just right under the surface….just waiting for the agitation to bring it out of my pores like an arid mist.

Ooh why was this chick dancing super stank at the Conga Room last night? She was oozing Come Fuck Me. There was also a cute black couple. The chick was preggers. Black Love, awww. There’s an epidemic of short men in LA. There was also this guy with a beginner’s high top fade. Looking like Christopher Williams’ older brother. Some dude in a church suit, looking like Ike Turner circa 2001 was there and got escorted out by security. He was sweating profusely and looked ill. I hope he didn’t fall out anywhere. I enjoy being downtown and in LA. I miss city life. The noise, concrete, and police sirens…it’s nice to very convenient. Got up at 6am, left at 6:30am, and got to work 10 minutes early. There’s a guy walking by who looks like Ray Charles. How in the hell is a blind man a womanizer?

God, I’m not having a good day. Joy is playing in my head. Damn, what makes today so hormonally, emotionally, and mentally different from say…3 days ago when I seemed to be making progress? I feel nervous. I have butterflies in my stomach. Lord, please help me make it through this work day and down to my car before I break down. 6 hours and counting…

My heart is stained with a malady of loss.
~Me

Uh Uhn, not me

The recurring theme of my life is “Uh uhn, not me.”
~Michael Jackson in The Wiz

Amel Larrieux is wonderful in concert

Went to see Amel Larrieux tonight. She was cool. She almost has this imperfect perfect fragile versatile vocal delivery. She sang Giving Something Up, Bravebird, Tell Me, Keep Tryin, Gills and Tails, and Magic. She started to sing the Other Half that makes me Whole song, but the band hadn’t rehearsed it. She’s not weird at all to me. She uses her voice as an instrument. She’s really good at pushing and pulling her voice. She showcases the power of the soft sweetness. At the end she sang a song for Michael. Yea, I called him Michael so I am serious. She sang I Can’t Help It. I cried. I don’t know. Maybe I’ve been feeling that it’s been too long, a whole month, and I shouldn’t still be crying. I don’t know to whose standards I am trying to hold myself to. I just feel so hollow inside. She started singing the phrase Thank You and I just lost it because I am so thankful for having him in my life and I just feel kinda lost without him. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I’m just so sad.
Her daughter is one of the background singers. She’s cute and has a really beautiful voice. You can tell Amel has taught her vocal delivery. Styles are very similar. The other background singer is a lady named Queen Amenah. Well, that’s what Amel called her. She sounds like Regina Bell. Just Exquisite! Jimmy Smits walked past us. He apparently owns the club. Once they cleared the dance floor of the VIP chairs it became a club/party atmosphere. They played Shimmy Ya by Ol Dirty. DJ Rasheeda aka DJ Ozone is good. I forgot, the 1st song they played after Amel left the stage was PYT. During the I Can’t Help It she kinda stopped singing for a second and said she was getting emotional. I don’t see how singers sing through tears. I’m sure there’s some trick to singing through genuine tears and heart ache.

She spoke to love…something I am not too sure of. These days to the snazzy white girl or the sista in the white terry cloth jumper. But not me. It’s like I’m the pink elephant in the room that no one will acknowledge is even there. I like the lyrics to Keep Tryin. If only I could internalize the hook and use it. “Keep your head to the sky and keep trying. Believe in you and it will take you higher.”

The part that really fits me is: You have sorrow. Everywhere you turn it seems to follow. When you let go happiness will come to you tomorrow. You day is coming though it seems far. Things will be clear when you love who you are. Nothing can stop you as long as you listen to your heart.

Yea, those lyrics accurately describe the purgatory I am in.

You Da Best? Fry dat Chicken? LMFAO?

God, what has black music come to? You da best. Baby you do best?

Fry dat chicken! Fry dat chicken! Fry dat chicken!

Why was LMFAO at Mike’s funeral? Who are they? I’m in LA trick!

I made up a new dance

I made up a dance last night while dancing to something off Blood on the Dance Floor. It’s inspired by pop locking and the funky chicken. I don’t forgot it though.

ALIZE!

There’s nothing like some Lil Jon in the work place…they turned the radio on today. I really don’t need to be hearing “coming up as a nigga in the cash game living in the fast lane I’m for real.” ALIZE!
They can’t play black music in at work. I keep video dancing in my seat.

My Litte Brother

It’s funny how in all of Rodney’s life he has only been able to do two dances well…The MC Hammer and the lean with it rock with it.

Jammin out to the History Album- Hittin Poles and Titties Rollin

Last night me and Sweetie jammed out to the History album. I wish dogs could pick up on music and dance. Mike was real lax with the expletives on that album. He said shit, ass, and hell. He even let Biggie Smalls say “my nigga Mike.” Cuss words and Budweiser! Man, he would be an interesting tipsy/drunk person.

I wonder what kind of curl Mike had. Luster, Soft and Free? Those are the two I remember. Was there one with “Silk” in the title? Curls are really convenient though. Just spray, pick, and go. I miss my pick with the fist.

Aww damn, I remember a little ditty or song we used to sing about Michael Jackson growing up. Damn, it’s very mean. I won’t share it. But I will say…In 1988 yo mama tried to skate. She hit the poll her titties rolled in 1988.

Nanny Fine and Smarties

3 months til my birthday. I’m getting old. I’m afraid I am going to fret more and more over my age as I get older. I might stay 29 like Fran Fine.

Smarties suck! I used to think they were the shit as a kid. Sweet Tarts are the way to go.

Why Did I Get Married DEUX

Heard there was going to be a Why Did I Get Married sequel. Shooting got postponed when Mike passed, it’s supposedly back up and running. I hope they flesh out Janet’s character. They could go a lot deeper with the baby/accident story. Tyler Perry, are you hiring?

Staring off into space is fun!

You ever just feel like staring off into space, letting your vision blur and then taking in whatever shapes and images your eyes can pick up?

What's up with the judge? Moonwalker vs. Mama Kate n the kids

how in the hell is the judge gonna grant a reprint of Moonwalker, but not give Mama Kate and the cheerin some money to live. Umh Humh. I have my hand on my hip, snapping my fingers with that sista gurl neck action going.

Dean Koontz speaks the truth

“…people live in loneliness because they cannot believe they are loved…”
~Dean Koontz in The darkest Evening of the Year

Movies I missed

I’m like 7 years late, but Road to Perdition is a really good movie!

Quote of the Year:

Quote of the Year:

"I’m not f*****g with Michael Jackson fans. I'm not that dumb, his fans are vicious! Attack him, you’re already dead."
~George Carlin

I gotta say today was a bad day ( ice cube song)

Today is a bad day. I was doing really well at NOT crying at the sight of him. Just saw the Bad Pepsi Commercial and had a moment. Watched Moonwalker. Man that was awesome. Who can turn into a car, rocket ship/plane thingy, and a robot? Michael can! It really didn’t make sense to go from playing in a field to Joe Pesci’s underworld for the rest of the movie. And there was never a reference or correlation as to why the movie started in a field. Joe Pesci’s character name was Frankie Lideo. Ha! I know where they got that name from…Frank Dileo. Funny, he wore high heels. And after the BADDER video they make a jab at Prince. Brandon Adams asks security what Bubbles is wearing and he says a Prince T-shirt and red sneakers and at this point it has changed to Mike and he goes, “A Prince T-Shirt?” Also, continuity was a big issue on the Come Together video. One minute Mike’s T-shirt is whole, the next it’s torn down to his belly button, the next it’s just torn to his pecks. And it went all wacky throughout the whole thing. I like the way he runs, kinda knock kneed.

Me and my spiritual self

I wonder about people who believe so blindly in the bible. Every book is open to interpretation. The bible was not written by Jesus or God. It’s a collection of stories by third parties. I believe in God; a higher being. But I will not conform to society’s NORMAL way of worship. I also find it hard to believe that you could be a mass murderer, but as long as you were baptized and saved and what not you are going to heaven. That just sounds like a crock to me. People just use being “saved” as a way to excuse and cope with their sins. If your heart is pure and your intentions are just I don’t see there being a problem with you and whomever it is that governs our universe. But when you get into religion perpetrated and interpreted by humans, when you start buying into the system, when you start changing who you are at your core to fit some religious mold…you have lost yourself and your way to God. People lived for thousands of years before Christianity and I believe that people who are not Christians are no less worthy of my respect and love. I wouldn’t call myself a Christian. I just believe in God and I live my life the best I can. If you are a Christian out there living the way the “good book” says, that’s fine, but please be aware that for every good Christian, there is a pastor, a deacon, a choir director, a first lady out there perpetrating a fraud. Plus, I don’t like extreme religious people who use their belief in God to discriminate against others. On another note, I was at Wal-Mart some time last month and some black men were out there handing out flyers about some church and they had titles like Apostle and Prophetess. That to me was nothing but the devil. How is it that you have been ordained an Apostle or Prophetess? It’s all a play on words and when you start giving yourself titles, there is some other agenda at hand.

My heart cries out for all of humanity & $25

My heart cries out for all of humanity. We are doomed it seems. Maybe the dead have it better than the living. We have a black president, but it really hasn’t made any difference in my life. We’ll I do get that $25 a week added to my unemployment check, but I am unsure if that was his or Bush’s doing. Where is there hope, where is there prosperity? Can you point me in that direction?

It’s been a month to the day and nothing anyone can say will ever make me feel better or any different

It’s been a month to the day and nothing anyone can say will ever make me feel better or any different. You can spout shit from a hallmark card or some passage from the bible, but it won’t bring him back. Can you bring him back?

I know that he was very lucky and blessed to have found his calling. To know exactly what he was put on this earth to do. I am living hell right here on earth because with everyday; living the way that I have in California, I am less and less certain of what to do with myself.

Ya'll should watch We Are The World...errbody n dey mama n it

Why is Dan Akroyd singing in the chorus of stars on the We Are The World video? Ya’ll should watch it. Damn Sheila E and Jeffrey Osborne are in there! Greg Philliganes is in the Making of…SWEET!

He makes my ears bleed

I don’t understand what’s so great about Bob Dylan. I tried it. I don’t like. I don’t like it at all. You can have a great message, but if it sounds like dookie, then what can I do, but not listen as my ears will bleed.

Gee Golly Biff, Bob and Perry

Damn Steve Perry, Darryl Hall, and Kenny Loggins can sing! GO WHITE BOYS GO!

I got ants in my pants and I need to dance

If I have to stand for long periods of time, I can’t be still. I have to dance. You should have been witness to me being behind the camera at TV stations. I was either dancing or stepping or in some cases reading. I was going through my Dan Brown thing in 05-06.

Recording Studio Etiquette (prolly spelled that wrong)

Why you gotta hold one side of the headphones when you are in the recording studio? Huh? That make it any better?

What do Mos Def, Stpehen King, and Michael Jackson have in common?

Hey, Mike got together with Stephen King on the story for Ghosts. Mos Def is in it. He my conscious rapper baby daddy.

Secular Music Holy Ghost

Have you ever been so moved, so happy, so tickled, so overjoyed, that is brought forth tears of joy? I have, just tonight while watching Mike on the Bad Tour. There wasn’t a lick of sadness. Just an absolute giddiness. You almost want to jump up and scream. Hey, that’s the secular music holy ghost!

Glovegate 2009

You know what! I was all mad cause I had the wrong glove on at the memorial. Hell, he switches up hands so there is no right or left to it.

Why ain’t Whitney Houston dead? SHE WAS ON CRACK MAN (In Smokey from Friday voice)!

Why ain’t Whitney Houston dead? SHE WAS ON CRACK MAN (In Smokey from Friday voice)! You know, I be forgetting that he could grow facial hair. I bet shaving all of the time has to be a drag. I’m undergoing therapy right now. Mike Picture Therapy. I’m looking through my Mike photo album, taking it all in. The funniest titled pic I have is…Dark N Lovely No Lye. It’s a pic of him and the brothers in their teens and he has a perm or a blow out and roller set or something. OMG, the Peacock coat was in that sell that didn’t happen last year. I clearly don’t look at everything I have, or else I would have realized it. Janet was so cute. I have pics of her with beaded braids and she looks like a Kenya doll.

Watched Bad Tour-Yokahama Japana1987 and I was wondering, was Mike strong enough to tear off his t-shirts all Hulk Hogan style? Or did they make Michael Jackson Strength T- Shirts just for his shirt tearing purposes? IMO, Bad Tour was the best tour because he sang everything live and just murdered it every second.

Leotards and possible sew ins

Mike, why was the leotard a good idea on the Dangerous Tour?

The more I look at the hair from the BAD Tour, the more it looks like a sew in.

$3 DVDs!

Yo, Wal-Mart has been having $3 DVDs. I got The Wedding Singer, Dream Girls, Shrek 2, A South Park Christmas and DVDs 2-5 of Avatar: The Water Chronicles.

Companionship?

Companionship
I miss a soft caress
A deep stare
A rough spank of my ass
The smell of a man
A secure hug
A soft kiss
Shit talking and time killing
The touch of a sensual black man
Large hands with an even larger appetite…for me
Does it exist anymore?

Marsha from Floetry is tight in a weird way

Can I just say how tight Marsha from Floetry is in a weird way. Like, she can sing, but her bravado kinda weirds me out. Can she sing with less bravado? Or is that just her thing? She gave us Butterflies…and that is enough for me. What is so cool is that when Mike recorded it, he didn’t change much AT ALL. I honestly don’t prefer one version over the other. The song is just freakin sweet!

Blood On The Dance Floor, Gold Pants and Flannel Shirts

Ok, so I totally be forgetting the Blood on the Dance Floor was an actual album. Ooh, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis was all over Is It Scary…that is my JAM! Oh, this was the time of the GOLD PANTS! He was getting kinda thick in the hips. Them white girls like them gold pants. There was a whole section on a MJ Fan site called ODE TO THE GOLD PANTS. It was hilariously funny! You know, I like the BOTDF hair. I hate when people put a club beat to perfectly good songs.

Another thing I like about Mike…his eye makeup. In the late 80’s around the time of BAD he started going with this smoky eye look and that shit just set his eyes off! You can see it really well on the Give Into Me video. He likes flannel button up shirts. Man, I promise ya’ll I didn’t know Slash was colored until like 4-5 years ago. I don’t think he particularly hides his colored side. You can just never tell if you aren’t a fan and don’t know anything about him. We don’t know what his face looks like because of that hair…and in all honesty, If Mike didn’t collaborate with him I wouldn’t know who in the hell he was anyway.

White people hair is scientifically terrific!

I’m still amazed at the fact that white people’s hair can change colors through childhood. That shit is scientifically terrific!

The Deepness of Mike's Eyes

You know what…Mike has doe eyes. Like the innocent soft eyes of a baby deer or something. But it’s funny how he can change it up and give you such intensity or a flirtatious stare.

Lyrics that fit the way I feel often times

Lyrics that fit the way I feel often times:
I try to do what’s right for me
But no one sees the way I see
And then I try to please them so
But how far can this pleasing go

Sometimes I cry cause I’m confused
Is that a fact of being used
There is no life for me at all
Cause I give myself at beck and call

~Bless His Soul by The Jacksons

Emotions tothe 4th power

I readily admit that I deal in emotional extremes. Rarely am I neutral or just alright. I’m happy or sad. Cool or mad. And those extremes can sometimes change expeditiously.

Music Takin Over in the car and at the mall

As I walked into the mall to go to work the mall music system started playing PYT and guess what? I was just listening to the Demo version in the car. God is good on the lift my spirits tip.

July 14 II-I forgot Mean People and thugs in Brazil

God, I don’t want to be here. I am invisible and the static is uncomfortable.

I was at Wal-Mart earlier and they were playing the Thriller video on some big screen TV and a handicap old white lady and her companion were stopped in the isle watching. It irritates me to no end that NOW people want to open their eyes, mind, and heart to him. It’s like having a rich relative. When they didn’t have shit family paid them no never mind. Now that they got shit, they all buddy buddy. I think I got a honk and a thumbs down because I have MICHAEL JACKSON FOREVER written across my back window. I want to castrate the poor white trash that dared show disrespect. If you aint got shit good to say, don’t take the time to catch my attention. I hope he dies of inoperable face cancer…he was smoking a cigarette.

I am watching The Wire and it feels so familiar. Amazing how far I’ve come, yet I’ve gone nowhere. All of them boys, well their characters. I know where they coming from. I know dudes just like that, situations not that different. Hell, my past situations ain’t that different. I can see where they mind is at, especially Michael Lee. Every Ghetto, Every City. Baltimore, St. Louis, Aliceville, AL. It’s all the same. He is the type of dude I would have had for a boyfriend when I was 16 and too stupid to realize the danger. Smart, Loyal, Strong, and a straight up THUG! Murda Murda Kill Kill!

Why is David Gest still alive?

Now, that question should be sent to Steven Hawking.

Evil at the Wal-Mart

Was just at Wal-Mart. Some dude who undoubtedly is white named Ian Halperin has a book out about Mike. From the cover it looks to be about the last years of his life. It’s titled UNMASKED. Capitalist Pig! He ain’t been gone a month! Also, the globe has a headline that says Mama Kate, Diana Ross, Elizabeth Taylor, and Oprah are in some kind of fight about something. OPRAH???? Where in the hell did she come from in this falsified equation of ignorance? White folks always tryin to keep a brotha down…even in death.

Why is Otis from The Temptations still alive? I ain’t got nothin’ against Otis. We Cool. I’m just saying, well wonderin’? He old as hell and all the rest of the members of his band, 2 and 3 times removed are dead. I got my 3rd honk in regard to Michael Jackson Forever being written across the back window of my car. Some older, cool looking black dude. I say he was cool cause he had a ponytail. I appreciate the love. I really do.

Death- It's coming

I don’t think I’m really afraid of death. It’s something we can’t avoid. I just don’t want it to hurt.

Music and Mike

I’m afraid of how Mike’s music, likeness, and legacy will be manipulated at the hands of Sony and Tommy Matolla. God, Mike I miss you so much.

Mo's Proverb of the day

People are inherently evil.

Sleep- It's for the lucky

I’m not a good sleeper. I have to be dead tired to lie down and be asleep in 10 minutes. I toss and turn and think a lot. Sometimes I wish I could stop thinking so I can go to sleep, but it doesn’t stop. I just have to let my body do what it do.

Problems and Stupid Operating People

I need peace from other people’s problems. They weigh heavily on my soul and I want nothing more than to flee.

Have you ever known someone who operates stupidly? Like, they’ll call and ask you to do something. Then won’t give you the details. They’ll say, Call me when you are ready and I will give you the directions. That makes no damn sense. Get the shit out now. I also don’t like people who beat around the bush and don’t notice it. It takes them 2 minutes to ask you a question or tell you a quick story. The Long-Gisted is what I call them.

Love-that's all I want

I want all of the people all over the world to be happy. Moreover, I want to them to be loved. For I know how it is to feel alone; to exist without truly feeling and knowing you are loved.

I Had A Dream Last Night

July 21 2009

I had a really weird dream last night. When I am awake I thinking randomly and apparently I dream random things too. I think it starts off with me and other people gathered on a street that looks like the central west end or that neighborhood in DC in between RFK stadium and the capitol. We are there to celebrate Mike after his passing. It’s a beautiful sunny mild day out. There is some dude dancing. I borrowed Mona’s camera to take a pic of an old-fashion building advertisement of Mike. It’s up there like the advertisements that used to be painted on the side of brick buildings in the 30’s and 40’s but it’s the Mike BAD pic with some words about something and loving him and remembering him. Then we turn and there is a whole bunch of helicopters in the sky. I mean like a good 20 of them. There is a large black helicopter that they are all hovering around. Most are coast guard/put out fires helicopters. The big black one’s nose is starting to tilt down…then it does down. We all hot tail it in the opposite direction and shrapnel is raining down all around. At this point my feet are like lead and for some reason I cant run as fast as everyone else so i'm getting pelted. I try to jump around the wall leading to the basement of a church but can’t make it over so I go around it and ask a girl for help, but i’m too lead footed to help her heave me over the wall so I just go and stand next to the far side of the church walls; letting the building itself shield me from falling debris. The weather has changed because of the crash so now it is windy and overcast. There are other people hiding and trying to take cover in big tumble weed bushes, but we aren’t in California so I don know why the lot right next to the church has them. There is a dog tied up inside a car on the street with the window down. It has no real protection, so I go out there, open the car door, untie the dog and bring it to the wall with me.

Then me and my brother are in the service area of a big stadium or hospital or building or something. We are running from some people. We are looking into these windows or doors and there are versions of Mike in them. One scares us. I don’t really understand. Things are fuzzy. I did get a feeling that whatever there was between Mike and I; it was very intimate. Like we knew each other well and were friends or something, but I don’t understand the situation of us looking for him in windows and doors. Ooh, you know what. That behind the scene, service area thing reminds me of the Dirty Diana video, but the lighting was different. It was almost like we were back behind a large building and also in the underground parking lot. The lighting was warm; browns and yellows.

There’s also another part with me and some dude who I am not romantically involved with just shooting the breeze at the beach. People are speculating and hating on the care free way we just exist together. The dude is black and the fuzzy image of him reminds me of that Mansfield dude from the Wire.

Then there’s another dream with me, my mom, and other family members. We are somewhere that looks like hell in a southern state trying to go to a fast food restaurant to order stuff. Some white guy is crossing a vacant lot and stops to ask us for directions to the fast food place. We tell him and then I think I noticed he dropped $5 bill. I give it back and he says thank you. He is off and then we look, further back on the lot in the direction the white guy came from there’s money on the ground. A couple of 100 dollar bills and smaller bills too. So we go pick them up and keep on our merry way. We get to the fast food place which is right up against a creek and some trees. At this point it is just me and my brother in my car. We order and the rest of my family is already in the restaurant. We are getting food to go. We get our food and are returning to my car, but my car isn’t there. Then we see the white dude in a car with other white people circling the lot tike they looking for something…we think the money from the lot. So, all of my fam goes and gets into some family friend’s SUV and I walk the lot in a panic looking for my car. I then join some group of people getting a tour of the creek/tree area like they are about to buy a timeshare. I go around the large lot like 2 times and I don’t see it. So we all get into the family friend’s SUV and go home. I don’t immediately call the police or the restaurant. I’m home in hysterics. Then Sherri is there and it turns out she was the culprit. I ended up finding some of my stuff and some blue sheets tucked under the bed and she was trying to hide it. There’s no way she could have those things under her bed because they were all last seen in my car. It ends up she stole my car, had her fun, and then tried to hide the evidence. She sat and watched me run around the house in hysterics for a while and wasn’t gonna tell me she took my car if I hadn’t found the stuff under the bed. Everybody is acting like its not a big deal. But she stole my car… a family member’s car. That hurt! So i’m going off and about ready to whup her ass and my mom and just diffusing the situation and playing down the fact that she stole my car. I don’t think I remember ever getting my car back.

So, do you guys ever fuzzily remember 4 dreams from one night’s sleep?

AHHH Phelippe and Jonathan a Brothers- 1 year a part

www.myspace.com/jonathanhaagensen

www.myspace.com/phelippehaagensen

Portugeuseay Love!

The mainframe is evil

People are conforming to the mainframe. The mainframe being a Caucasoid derived notion of beauty, power, self-worth, and moral code.

Phrasing/ Pronunciation

Phrasing/ Pronunciation makes a song POP! I’ve noticed how cool Ella Fitzgerald and Mike can make a song; just by playing around with pronunciation.

Triple Diamond Bitch!

If the pace continues, Thriller will become the first album to go triple diamond, meaning 30 million albums sold.

My Beautiful Colored People and 6 Degrees of Michael Jackson

I love seeing the beautiful black/colored people in City of God. Not until last night did I recognize that the dude(s) who play Shabby and Benny look alike. After deciphering he Portuguese credits they are either twins or brothers. Phellipe and Jonathan Haagensen. I don’t do light skinned, but I’ll do them. The streets of the favela on the documentary afterwards look just like the streets from the They Don’t Really Care About Us video. I can relate anything to Mike. George Clooney for instance! He played on the Facts of Life and Kim Fields played on it too. Kim and Janet were friends when they were teenyboppers and Janet and Mike are siblings. SEE!

What is mindless work?

What is mindless work, but a passage of time in an unfulfilling purgatory.

KJLH be jammin!

KJLH be jammin’! They are playing Sitting Up In My Room! I miss feel good music.

Whoa is Me

I watched The Wedding Singer and felt lonely. I sometimes feel like the loneliest soul in all of the world. I want peace and quiet and alone time, but once I get it, it’s still not fulfilling. That’s our commonality, loneliness. Fulfillment, what a crock. Is it even possible?

You're Not Another Part of Me

I think I’m growing apart from a friend and I don’t know what to do.

Thanks Dot!

Thanks Dot! I needed to cry. Hadn’t cried in almost a week. Funny how sometimes you can’t stop crying and then other times…although you feel the need to; you just can’t bring yourself to do it. I guess everything needs a catalyst.

I am a speck of dust- Poem

A little speck of dust in a large vacuum bag. Does it have any significance? Did it come from a sweater, the carpet, a couch, or a Kleenex? Is it white, black, brown, red, or gray? Is it a cottonous fiber, polyester, acrylic, or a blend? All of these questions encompass the confusion of its existence. Is it meant to be there; in that bag? Awaiting its trip to the trash and then the graveyard of waste on the hill? I am that speck of dust. I don’t know where I’ve come from, where I am, how I got here, or where I’m going. I’m just here, feeling helpless against the tide of life that has thrown me out past the rip current. I’m not sure of myself. How can I be sure of others intentions? How am I supposed to do this? A lot of questions and not enough answers. Here comes the next wave. Guess I’ll hold me breath and wait for the next wave to come.

People? They raise my damn blood pressure

I hate when you call and leave someone a message as an FYI (No need to call back) and then they call back like, "I missed your call, what's up?". I just left you a damn voicemail. Check it!

Another Pet Peeve. People who never leave voicemails. They just call you 2-3-4 times back to back like some kind of moron. If I am not answering, I am not available...so leave a damn message fuck face!

Ooh Miss Ceelie I feel like sangin

I've been feeling like singing lately. I need to find an otulet. I want to try this place in Leimert Park for voice lessons. We'll see. I did get my acapella karaoke on witht he dog. We sang Ella, Deborah Cox and Nikka Costa...well I sang it and she just watched. I recorded it on my cell phone.

How to survive in LA?

How do people survive in LA? I now understand why all of those gangsta rap guys were all angry and gang banging in such a pretty place. The system and social structure are all set up for failure. I see why people sell their souls to live the LA life. I guess it’s ok if you are lucky enough to have connections or be well off and can make the most of this place.

A shout out to my Kevins!

I realized another cool thing about California. It’s awesome meeting all kinds of Asian people. There are not just Chinese and Japanese, you know.

Vampire at the Bank of America

I saw a lady at the bank yesterday that had a weave so bad it looked like Angela Bassett’s hair on Vampire in Brooklyn when she turned into a vampire.

Do Looks tell the truth?

Can you look like you can sing? I was just told that.

Just Thinking of my dearly departed and taking it all in

Mike, what am I gonna do? Funny of the day: In reply to my text asking why ain’t none of them DeBarge niggas dead? (I’m not counting the one who died of THE aids); Tessa said, “Crack is a preservative.”

I don’t feel right. Like, I ain’t crying, but I don’t feel right. Listening to some of his songs hurts in the unfilled void kind of way. Death sucks. I wanted to bad for him to be MAGIC. On I can’t Help It he sounds like Stevie for a second. Steve wrote it. Oh shit! We Are Here To Change The Worlds just came on! See, he can always pick me back up. Care Bear Power! I can’t listen to Mike in the workplace. I just can’t help, but move.

I wonder what’s next for me.

Victory Tour LA- Final Show

July 17 2009

If ever you are down. Just watch the last performance of Shakeabadadown in LA Victory Tour 1984…and you shall be filled with glee. Latoya needs a sandwich. She definitely should have been a model. Her waist is the size of my thigh, but her dress is hella cute. And Emmanuel Lewis gets his boogie on too! Randy has too many legs and arms and not enough torso. Marlon in LIVE as usual doing his sexy shakeabada dance and Janet is such a cute lil teenager. Mike looks like he’s melting. His curl must have been fresh.

Jackson 5 singing Killing Me Softly-Cop Dat!

AHHH MICHAEL! AHHHHH!

Martin Landau is still alive?

He old as Methusela! I liked him in The Majestic.

Why do wild animals need contact lenses?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090716/sc_afp/germanyanimalshealthoffbeateast20yrs

what do the lonely do at christmas?

Hell, what do they do during the rest of the year? I might as well join a convent and start collecting cats. Getting an early start on my spinsterhood.

Michael on the job

July 16 2009

Michael, I miss you like crazy. Even a good day is not as good as it could be…because you’re not here. How do I remedy this? I listen to the BAD special alternate edition and I’m invigorated. But never to the level at which I could in the past. I watch the live footage of you singing Dirty Diana and I am tickled. You forgot the words? I’ll be the doo doo doo doo? I watch and its amazing how sexual you could be with the mic stand, although you’re a seemingly asexual being; or is that what you wanted us to think?(with Dr. Evil pinky at mouth and right eyebrow raised)

I gotta stop. I’m in public dancing in my seat. I bit my bottom lip and mouthed DAVID right along with you. You’re infectious like that… I just can’t behave when you get into me.

Got an email about random Jackson Offspring

AND CAN I SAY JACKIE JACKSON CAN STILL GET IT HE DAMN NEAR 60!

Self Conscious

I find myself being self conscious when listening to Mike in the car because I don't want people to mistake me for a "He Died" fan. You know them people who NOW all of a sudden be bumping him in their cars. I been doin dis shit!

You Talk Too MUCH- Homebody don't never shut up

Long winded people are an anomaly. You complain about not having enough time to do stuff, well damn it stop talking and go do it!

Bilal at the Conga Room- $20 Aug 7th

Bilal’s vocal stylings are akin to an operatic boogie man…in a good way. He’s intriguing and I like his freckles.

July 15 2009

July 15 2009

I’m in need of a pick me up. I wanna watch some live Mike concert footage, but I’m scared (in cowardly lion from The Wiz voice). I’m scared I’ll cry and I haven’t cried in at least 4 days. Maybe I’ll rock out to some Sananda Maitreya instead…different feel, but a nice musical escape. His place isn’t as warm and safe and cozy as Mike’s. He’s trippy. Im’a do it! I’m attempting to watch Bad Tour Tokyo 1987. Ooh, this one is the black shirt one! Hey, the buckles on top of buckles pants have a REALLY big buckle right at the crotch! I get so tired of that poke your head like a chicken move. Oh shoot Mike humping! He even put his hand behind his head. Oh, I love it! It’s like he be on auto pilot with no realization of what he’s doing. He kinda gets lost in the music and that is when he is at his best. When you get those WHY IN THE HELL DID HE JUST DO THAT feelings, he in his Zen Mode. I wonder what made him decide to grab his junk all the time. Word on the streets in the fandom is that Lisa Marie said he was 9 _. So Gross, but funny as hell in a warped way of thinking. Ahh OMG screaming like a lil bitch, he just laughed in between his adlibs at the beginning of Rock with You! Aww, man his Michael Jackson/super man curl on his forehead is in full effect that night! It’s immaculate! Oh, goddamn the Asian background dancer has numchucks! Aww shit, he gonna beat it sho' nuff!

Now I’m in Brisbane Australia/New Zealand, whatever in 1987! There’s a random wack white background dancer here that I have never seen before. Maybe he was always there, but his hair color is throwing me off or he’s always in the shadows. Mike usually goes with dark hair colored people. Ahh, Mike just did a demonic voiced “You’re a vegetable”. That’s new! Ok, on Lovely One he kinda bucked his eyes on the Just Say You Are part! Ahhhh, super exciting! I am giddy like a school girl. Also, on another note. What happens to you regular nose functions after surgery? What if you need to sneeze? What if your nose runs or you need to clean boogers? Are the nasal passages compromised causing allergy type issues or dryness? I’m just wondering? His nose looked like a shark from a front/downward camera angle.

Oh, wait, now I’m at Wembley Stadium and this dude done started sounding like Shug Avery on the break down transition from I’ll be there to Rock with you. They doing church call and response. This is the only performance I’ve ever seen him do this in! He done caught the secular music holy ghost. The audience is just too cute. Being that his is someone’s personal VHS copy from their POV at the show, I can hear the people around them going Aowwwww and Whooooo to Mike’s call and response. You know what, Mike’s shows are simple, but down to damn near perfection. There is not a lot of pageantry in this tour….OOOOOH HE DOING DIRTY DIANA! AHHHHHHH! THE SET LIST CHANGES FROM TIME TO TIME SO EVERY SHOW AINT THE SAME! AHHHHHHH! I LOVE YOU MICHAEL! I gotta simulate like I am in the crowd.

Cheryl Crowe is one weird looking chick. She skinny as hell with a 200 lb looking face and big bleached hair. Why didn’t she die of cancer? Now we could have definitely slapped some more folks onto the Grim Reapers list to make a trade out for Mike. Yooo, Mike grabbed her belt and brought her close and it damn near looked like he took his hand and gentle rubbed up her torso the breastasis area! SHOCKING! Ain’t no damn near look to it…he did stroke her up and she DON’T MIND (in R Kelly voice). I still think him and Siedah have better chemistry on stage.

Watching a little interview with Greg Phillinganes and some bad Tour rehearsal footage and mike looked really colored. Maybe it was the lighting or maybe he didn’t have his full stage face on, but it was weird to see a medium skin toned Mike with the long bad hair. THAT WAS HOTT!

Question, watching him perform Bad at Wembley Stadium in 88. This lady is still having a break down. BAD is the last song in the set…and she still having a break down! I bet Mike concerts stink. All of those bodies and I am quite sure that somebody done pissed on themselves because there is no way to get to the bathroom if you are in the mosh pit. Hell, I know I would have just stood there and been pissy rather than try to leave and miss something. It be really funny to see dudes in the audience crying and screaming I Love You Michael.

Memory, the can You Feel It video is scary. There’s all kinds of sounds and scary looking things going on. I think it’s about the making of earth or the beginning of time or something. Why Jackie got on that gay Freddie Jones ascot? Oh, damn somebody just raised a rainbow…that’s tight!

I have really got to watch the stuff I have more often. You know the pic from the memorial still photo…that is from the end of the LA Gear commercial. And he does the MC Hammer in it too! Wait, how did he have a tennis shoe? He rarely even wears tennis shoes.

My Bomb Horoscope

July 16, 2009

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

To appreciate where you are now, you have to take a look at where you've come from. This will be especially rewarding for you now that you have the ultimate gift from the cosmos -- hindsight. Go ahead and take a good, long look, and don't be afraid to be honest with yourself about what you see. You'll find that your ability to accept reality will make you appreciate your present situation all the more.

July 14 2009

July 14 2009

I hadn’t watched Love Jones in years and I know see that my perspective on the movie has changed. Funny how you see things differently as you mature. That movie used to be a fantasy to me, now it just speaks the truth about the dynamics of women and men. Larenz Tate will never be a fully grown man to me. He has a boy next door quality to him.

It’s been 3 weeks. I guess the world does keep spinning regardless of what happens to you. I love you Michael! Whooooo!

Why do people ask you stupid ass questions?

I often times wonder why things don’t work out for me? Disappointment weaves itself through my days.

The Breakthrough

The Breakthrough
July 13 2009

Aww shit Nah. I was able to listen to like 5 Mike songs in a row without crying. My overwhelming joy feels different though. Kind of hollow, not as full as it once was. But he still feels GOOOOODDDD to me! He He! Aowww!

Today

I am having such a bad dau I am liable to shoot a mothafucka. Fuck Bank of America, AT&T and Fuck commerce bank too!

Awwww, they done fucked with the church's money

I just charged 2 Mike T Shirts from the official tour site. One is the shirt that was to be sold exclusively tonight July 13...the opening night of the tour. The other is an I (heart) MJ shirt with him in his Dangerous Tantrum outfit pointing his finger. AHHHHHHH (screaming like a lil bitch on the inside)

I'm Mad, grrrrrr

Entertainment Tonight, TMZ, Inside Edition...all of them muthafuckas should be shot. From the EP down to the PA. Ignorance is being manifested by the caucausoid persuasion. Yea, I said it!

Why is Majestic even talking? Folks kill me trying to be in the limelight when chances are...they don't know shit.

July 13 2009

I forgot the background singer who sings I’ll Be There with Mike on the Bad and Dangerous tours was at the memorial singing. I miss the big black man. Well gone and scoot then! Ha!

Caught some of Good Day LA and Latoya got interviewed by some subsidiary of FOX saying that…I paraphrase now…that there is foul play involved in Mike’s death. He usually keeps 2 million in cash and what not on him, but when they went to his house to get his things there was no cash found. They also go on to say hat even Paris said that they were working him too hard. There are also allegations that “whoever” was pushing him to do the tour and kinda forced him into 50 showed when he really wanted to only do 10 and they kept him drugged/sedated in order to keep him from fighting. ALSO, wait a goddamn minute! How in the hell does a trained DOCTOR panic and wait 30 minutes to call 911? Was this your first emergency? I want his ass to fry. Whoever is responsible should be allowed to perish at the hands of the fans. Man, go medieval on they ass. Tar and feather, behead, quarter, Iraqi torture technique ‘em! The news talking about if someone is thought to be in the wrong they can get manslaughter charges. MANSLAUGHTER? Man, fuck a manslaughter, that’s MURDER!

I am so serious. It would be cool if some inmates Jeffrey Dahlmered ‘em! That’s an execution I’d want to witness.

The background singer who sang Heal The World at the memorial is on Good Day LA. Sucks for your career to kick off due to someone’s death. Life is surely fleeting. I’m glad she is not a big talker; it comes off kind of genuine. She was to do the I Just Can’t Stop Loving You duet with him. Cheryl Crowe sucked during the Bad Tour as the female background singer. She totally screwed up the mood of the song and it seemed like he didn’t really even want to be close to her.

What do you do when you sit and think, but are unsure of what to do? How do you pick up the phone when you are afraid of what you’ll hear? How do you live life when every other emotion induces a tear?

Ooh, LAPD announced that they are investigating his death as a homicide. CONSPIRACY!

Ooh, Mama Kate and Debbie have reportedly struck a deal to let Mama Kate have custody of the kids as long as Joe is kept away from them. We’ll see…this report is coming from The Sun and we know what kinda BS they be on. I hate FOX. You sure can’t choose your family!

Listened t Never Can Say Goodbye in the care and I didn’t cry.

The world has gone slamp foolish

What is the world coming to when an early morning talk/news show comes back from commercial to the Lady Cop Lil Wayne song? Killian Barberi is irritating and hood. She is sitting on the air eating a bad of Doritos.

Sotomayor chick

Wow that Sotomayor chick looks deformed and swollen at the face. Like she just got iked.

Question?

What do you do when you sit and think, but are unsure of what to do? How do you pick up the phone when you are afraid of what you’ll hear? How do you live life when every other emotion induces a tear?

WE NEED A REVOLUTION!

July 12 2009

Man, last night I saw Ciarra sing Heal The World on the BET Awards. Man, that shit was atrocious! I cannot believe how horrible she was. I bet Mike was turning in his body locker at the morgue as she sang that! We should start a revolution. I am so mad at the current state of BLACK music! I miss real music. We need a Rufus/Brand New Heavies vibe going on.

Around 9:30ish tonight. I needed to cry. I was hiding my sadness as long as I was out of the house, but on my way back home…the darkness descended upon me. Mike, where are you and what are you thinking? Feeling? The ability to feel and empathize is a precious fragile thing.

Ahhh, I got Love Jones on DVD! Thanks Taryn! Man, I want a Darius Lovehall of my own, minus the smoking.

Got my Special Commemorative Mike Edition of the LA Times. They printed the Mike part on a special thicker kind of paper. Nice! Greg Philllinganes got a mention in the full page thank you. There’s a black Mike pic on this section that I can’t look at. It’s his eyes. And this time it is not a "his eyes are beautiful" thing. There is a sadness and aloneness that I can identify with oh so well. And it hurts. This still feels untrue. Like, this cannot possibly be true? Although my tears are drying, I don’t think I’ll live another day and experience the joy of when we had his physical presence. Why ain’t Cher dead?

I now understand and readily accept that fact that whatever it is that I am looking for in life, my family won’t be the ones to give it to me. Although I live in a house full of people, I am still alone because no one there is there; truly for me. I am the outsider. I find my happiness in others. In this way, I think Michael captured my heart…because I understood his unhappiness and he understood mine.

I love you Michael, Always. When I am serious I say Michael, otherwise I refer to him as Mike. I remember one time (I wanna say it was Sheba) said that I talk about him like I really know him. I laughed, but funny thing is, I do in some small way.

A lyric to an Amel Larrieux song goes: Your Eyes are the windows to heaven. Your smile could heal a million souls. I don’t know if I have ever been able to articulate or if I have ever read words that better describe Michael than these. It then goes on to say: I think the angels are your brothers. They told you about me. Said you’re just what she needs. And I find myself thanking your mother for giving birth to saint. Must be replies when I say your name.

As I am wearing my heart on my sleeve these days I will share the one Mike song that has always made me cry, and I don’t know why. Maybe Tomorrow. That song has gotten to me on some fundamental level ever since I became a fan. It’s playing in my head right now and I can feel the tears forming. Now with this sad turn of events, the melody seems unbearable. I don’t know how many stars there are up in the heavenly sky. I only know my heaven’s here on earth. It’s time you looked in to my eyes. The way you do baby.

July 11 2009

July 11 2009

What am I? Why am I here and what benefits are to be reaped? I want to soar, fly beyond the reaches of man. But I can’t.

Each day is getting better. I want to watch his videos and listen to his music, but I’m scared. I’ve been doing pretty ok emotionally and I’m afraid that if I hear his voice I’ll crack. I was not ready to lose you. I feel like since I’ve got back here I have been holding back the tears. Holding on to the years, we had together. Why is Ron Isley still alive?

July 10 2009

July 10 2009

Not seeing much about him on the news today. I’m sure he’ll be all over the tabloid-like shows. I’m scared people are going to forget. I’m at a crossroads. After Monday I don’t know what I am going to do. I have to make a bold, drastic move. Watching TV Guide Channel and the dermatologist said to the best of his knowledge he ain’t the father of the kids. TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Did they steal your sperm in your sleep? How is there anything, but a yes or no answer to that question? White folks are evil. The dermatologist looks like a paraplegic by the face. You know how they get sloppy fat at the neck and face because of a lack of movement.

This is such an ugly world. Amen, commentator on TV Guide! He asked, “Why are you talking? What happened to doctor/patient confidentiality?” God, where is my motivation? I don’t even feel like getting up to take a shower. Yesterday when I was at the Universal Moonwalk they were playing the Earth Song video on the jumbotrons and I caught the part where me and Rodney used to sing I CAN’T EVEN PEE! So I called Rodney and we had a chuckle. That video is so beautiful and powerful. I liked his hair on that video. What may be my fave Mike hair style was the curly bob he had in like 1995. Looks like he put a texturizer in it. That was so cute with his side burns gelled down. Ginuwine totally stole the BAD sideburns.

July 9 2009

July 9 2009

On my way down to the valley this morning a random Mexican in a silver F-250 put a Mike memorial keepsake program out of his window and gave it to me. We were in stop and go traffic. That was very nice of him. I guess he saw the MICHAEL JACKSON FOREVER across my back window. A simple act can go along way in making someone’s day better. Thank you random Mexican man! I hear there is a Mike event at the city walk this evening. I wanna go. I would love to get back into television and follow that career goal. TV is very wack sometimes. Now that the facts are out and there are no new developments, people are starting to speculate and that upsets me. If I were still in television I would ask that I not be assigned to any stories Mike related that were not Positive and fact based. I am biased in a good way and I was raised right. I cannot, will not slander is name in any way. Not even for a job. I did get to write 2 stories about him when I was an AP. They got dropped, but I wrote them. Thanks for giving me those stories P! I forget what is was about. He was in Bahrain back in 2005-2006 so that was probably what it was about. Just heard on KCAL that they are running tests on his brain. He is just somewhere decomposing. Being human; a living being sucks in that way. Damn, Latoya signed the death certificate. This still seems unreal. Last night when I stopped to get gas there was a white piece of paper in the LA Times paper rack about a Commemorative Sunday Mike LA Times with his 1984 Grammys pic on it…I took it. Good news, it comes out this coming Sunday. I thought I had missed it.

There’s this Universal “Moonwalk” event tonight at the city walk where they are going to screen Thriller, The Wiz, and do a dance retrospective of his dances. I am going. I hope I have fun. I tend to have to do these things alone. Oronde said he would meet me up there so maybe I won’t be so on the verge of crying and will be able to celebrate.

Went to Universal Moonwalk tonight. They had dance offs and moonwalk contests. WAIT, gotta interrupt this report…I just saw a commercial for Nightline where Martin Bashir’s bitch ass is promoting an interview with Joe Jackson about what he feels should happen to the kids and what he thinks led to Mike’s passing. WTF kind of shit is this? How could he be affiliated with or even consider speaking to Nightline or anything Martin Bashir related after the way Martin Bashir’s Bitch Ass did Mike in that Living with MJ show? That shit was so bad and biased the network had to make a rebuttal show hosted by Maury Povich to set the record straight! Man, folks ain’t right! Folks ain’t right. Anyway, back to the Universal Moonwalk. They had dance contests and other random people dancing. You know…I didn’t like the way they had the dirty 80’s outfitted (thanks Oronde) zombies spliced into the Thriller video. It was stupid. I’m out here to watch Mike on a big ass screen! Looked like someone’s dance class full of 13 year olds. Singing along to The Wiz was fun. Me & Oronde shot the breeze and the breeze shot back. It was kinda chilly out there. Walking through the City Walk they had Mike’s music playing. I heard IJCSLY and Leave Me Alone. They were selling Mike T-Shirts for $9.99 at some souvenir store. I don’t want a shirt that mentions his death. Today was a tearless day. I wonder if my grief is lighter when I am away from home?

Deep thought- Leave Me Alone

When will they learn that everything does not revolve around them? While they are on the main stage being self absorbed, I am in the dark corners of the room suffering from heartache and heartbreak. Please be considerate of others for you do not know the pain they suffer.
7-8-09

July 8 2009

July 8 2009

It’s July 8th and I awoke to another day of emptiness and irritation. I’m in disbelief. Did I really go where I went yesterday? I’ll keep holding out hope that this is a mistake. A cruel joke. THIS CAN’T BE? I love you.

For those of you who were not able to feel Michael’s music and love his soul the way I did…you missed out on something beautiful. In 1998 something opened up in me and let him in without me even being aware of it. One minute…Michael Jackson blah blah blah. The next, Michael Jackson Oh My God! There was a need for him and his message in my life. Those fans, like me, who from that first day of fandom just got it, are blessed. We just got it. It’s like another level of consciousness. He got through to me and I believe that with our continued love and support, we got through to him. I know he left us knowing he was loved very much. Love; that is all we really want anyway.

This scares me. Now the rest of them will start dropping like flies. What is closure and how do you find it? Why ain’t Bobby Brown dead? He was on crack! Well, I forget that crack heads are a resilient lot.

II

Life is hard. Today sucks. Music Choice played Joy by Blackstreet and I kept it together for a little, but I ended up crying because Mike Co-wrote it. I had to excuse myself from the table. There was a silver car driving down the street playing Human Nature. This just pisses me off. Now, mothafuckas wanna boom his music and download his shit. It’s like a slap in the face to us who have been in his corner, bumping his music and spreading his message all along. Just like I said before…people are so fickle. Was Quincy Jones there?

July 7 2009

July 7 2009

I had a dream during the wee hours of this morning. I met Mike and he was acting, He was better then we thought he would be. It was a role that displayed anger and assertiveness. I think my mom and some kid or two was with us. We got the hook up on being able to go to the set. It was 1981 Mike with the DSTYGE white shirt and black pants on. They were calling him Chris. He was hugging us all and thanking us for coming. I tried giving him a kiss on the cheek when we were leaving, but he pulled back. I felt kinda salty because he wouldn’t let me give him a peck on the cheek. He was shooting scenes with clenched fists in a movie. Not put up your dukes fists, but in a strong determined, I’m trying to get my point across kind of way. He had to raise his voice and invoke conviction too. Then we left and went down some old broken stairs that used to be Yankee Stadium. The set was a Midwest/East Coast vacant lot with the usual bricks and stuff strewn about.

I’m on the orange line-on my way to the memorial. I’m nervous. I have the bubble guts, am clinching my lips tight and have my hands crossed in my lap. The news said they might bring the body to the Staples Center. I hope not. I’m gonna break down, I know it.

I’m inside and premiere seating is pretty good. I just saw Phillip Bailey and Verdeen walking on the floor below. We saw Miko Brando down there too. I got a souvenir booklet. They are playing Man In The Mirror and I am Jammin On The One! I signed the big Mike banner outside of the Staples center. I saw Larry King and John Singleton come in on the big screen. When we were walking up the street we saw Jesse Jackson walking towards us. I got a quick bad pic of him about to get into a SUV. I have cried already. Glad I didn’t wear eyeliner.

9:59am and the twins texted Alesia that the procession is outside. I am so going to cry. How rude of these people! Kobe Bryant walked in and people started cheering. I like the ladies sitting to my left. They are cool and talkative. The crowd needs to show way more respect. They are going to start standing and clapping when the family comes in. The musicians are starting to dabble. Some people are in here. The lights are starting to sway. Smokey read a statement from Diana. She is too broken to be here and Nelson Mandela sent a statement, as well. I wonder how Elizabeth is doing. People are just spectating. Not really here to pay their respects. The family came in and the crowd stood for them.

AFTER: The service is over. I hurt. I just broke down towards the end. Sure enough the brothers came in wheeling a casket. That made me cry. Like, this just can’t be. Rev. Al really hit home with thanking Mike. Felt like church. I dunno why Kobe Bryant was there. Magic Johnson was the first person to come up with something genuine to say. Mike ate KFC! I eat KFC too! Brooke was just broken. She made me laugh. I just wanted to give her a hug. I liked the “what’s up with the glove?” statement. I agree with Steve. I hoped I wouldn’t live to see the day either. Smokey was genuine and able to lift the feel of the room. Steve just had to sing the I never Thought You’d Leave In Summer song. Man, that made me sad. The photos and imagery they showed was nice. They played his music before the show. Is said show….SERVICE started. Farewell My Summer Love. One Day In Your Life. I wanna be Where You Are, SMILE, which just tore my heart apart. The view out of my eyes just doesn’t seem the same. I enjoyed singing. I wish I had someone to sing with. I feel that singing would be therapeutic for me. Lionel Richie was cool. Mariah brought back Trey Lorenz. Yay, and he hit that note! I miss real songs. Jennifer Hudson did good. Still don’t know her connection. That little white boy was awesome, but why is his name Shyheim? Maybe he is mixed? Jermaine surprised me. DAMN, He Does Have Pipes! That was absolutely beautiful. I had never seen live footage of him singing a ballad in his adult voice. I finally got to see The Jacksons, but without their star. Seems really cruel. I like Latoya’s hats. I wonder where Elizabeth is at. I know she’s hurtin. Usher was amazing, although what he sang escapes me. That break down did me in. The brothers and Janet had to console him. I like how he paid his respects to Mama Kate and the kids. I don’t know why, but since he passed away I have been calling her Mama Kate. The children were so beautiful. God be with them. Who was that background singer who led the last couple of songs? She was thorough! Tyrese was randomly up there on stage although he was not a part of the program. I liked the fact that Sheila Jackson Lee drove home the point of INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. I’ll research the proclamation 600 thing. I also liked when Rev. Al said to the children “there was nothing strange about your father. What was strange was the way he was treated.” Some lady behind us kept screaming (well only twice) “the king of pop is going to heaven” or something. I was irritated. Someone started a MICHAEL chant. They had a cool graphic going around the arena w/ his name, pic and the dates…and I think TKOP. I think Berry Gordy called him The Greatest Entertainer Ever, saying that TKOP isn’t big enough.. I don’t like how Berry Gordy brought up the fact that he questions some of Mike’s decisions. That sounds judgmental and is there some resentment in there from some old stuff? I’m just sayin. I sure hated to see Marlon break down like that. You know I always be telling ya’ll. “YA’LL BE SLEEPING ON MARLON!” I like the bad fro and buck teeth story. I have a pic of him in that get up. Oh Michael, what am I going to do?

Oh, before it started they played I don’t know why I love you and People Make the world go round. All Covered By Mike! They were heavy on the young Mike music. That casket looked so small, short. I’m almost at a loss for words. I don’t expect the majority of those who read this to understand my love for Michael, but what I do appreciate is your kind words and support. If you know me at all, then you know that this has been the hardest thing for me and the worst thing to ever happen to me. Ya’ll just don’t know. Ya’ll just don’t know. Ho w when I listen to his music, stare into his eyes, or see that beautiful smile I am lifted. I am at peace. I am understood and most of all I am loved. He is a treasure.

I can’t foresee when I‘ll stop crying. My soul will be weeping from this loss for the rest of my days. I saw the older bro from 3T in the audience. He looks really good. I don’t know if I could holla, but he has grown into a nice looking young man. Puts me in mind of E’ Cas but less feminine and artificial looking.

I am a better person for having lost myself in Michael’s gift.

That Coretta Scott King story that Bernice told about him calling from the Middle East to check on her and ask if she had music in her room was nice. The Good Samaritan. On another note: JACKIE CAN STILL GET IT! I also learned Mike recorded Stevie’s I never though you’d leave in summer song. How is he dead? I just don’t understand. Today was such a bittersweet day. I forgot about Queen Latifah. Dunno her connection either, but I don’t question her place and purpose in today’s events because I know she is a genuine person. I liked the Maya Angelou poem. I saw Meredith Vieira walking out of the Staples Center as we were standing in line. Saw Deborah Lee from BET on a platform getting interviewed by some network. I liked how Marlon said that Mike would always wear the same shoes wherever they went. Cool and comfy. Mike be borderline country, but he makes it work. He had a plaid shirt on under that captain jacket he wore to visit Ronald Reagan at the white house.

He gone? Killing Danny Softly is in my head. Beautiful. Just beautiful execution.

July 6 2009

July 6 2009

Went to pick up the tickets today. The closer I got the more nervous I felt. Felt like I had the bubble guts. The Dodger Stadium employees were all excited like…Welcome to Dodgers Stadium, Congratulations on winning the lottery! I couldn’t match their enthusiasm. It was a pretty quick deal since we never had to get out of our cars. LAPD dude even congratulated me. You pretty much show your voucher to get admitted onto the Stadium grounds. You follow the people and cones. You show you voucher to one lady and get the wristband put on THAT YOU CAN’T TAKE OFF and then she gives you the one for your guest. Then at the next lady you exchange the voucher for two tickets and then the usher you back out onto Stadium Way. There were people outside of the stadium grounds where traffic was backed up selling Mike T Shirts for $10. The graphic print T Shirt machine is the hustle of the new millennium. And now I am packing my things so that I can spend the night in the valley. I can’t decipher if we are in the Staples Center or Nokia Live. The tickets do say Staples Center and Premier Seating, but until I consult a layout of the venue, I don’t rightly know. Man, the ticket says no camera or video recording. Ain’t that about a BITCH! I want to chronicle my journey to downtown! Why are cop uniforms so tight? I listened to some of Remember the Time on KJLH on my way home and actually got happy and started gesturing with the long Mike finger. I was touched by the lyrics of an India Arie song about Stevie Wonder as I was driving. I think it’s called You Are Wonderful. Tears fell. The chorus I could identify with in my adoration of Mike.

You inspire me. The way you make me feel inside is amazing. Your honesty. Your artistry is engaging. You are everything I hope to be. You have touched my soul. I want you to know. You are my hero. You got so much soul. To put it plain and simple. You are wonderful.

Nice song right there. Let me finish packing. I don’t think I can bring myself to wear my Mike T Shirt with his face on it so it’s either my LCD shirt or my Victory tour T-shirt. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. I forgot I had a cut off tank top looking victory shirt with all of the brothers’ faces on it! Had a giddy jump around moment. I need to look through my stuff and see what else I forgot about cause I am so amped about this damn shirt Went to Wal-Mart. Saw a collector edition magazine of some sort with Mike on the front so I picked it up. Man, that damn thing was $7.99, but I got it. Complained and still bought it. That pic of him and Al Green is in this one too. Caught a glimpse of the National Enquirer and it has that mike in an ambulance apparatus picture on the cover. Still looks slightly colored. Maybe his make-up pales him out along with the lights or maybe the photo is doctored/fake. Who knows? His eyes look pretty closed. Hell, I’ll probably think they look pretty crossed too. His eyelashes set it off. I’ll take a couple of things to Alesia’s so we can giggle. Kerry called and just told me to be safe. She my extra momma and when she talks, I be listening. Dee called me. Just getting back into the know from the cruise. She said for the 1st 2-3 days of it, things were sad. She didn’t even want to be there. Her call made me feel good. Folks be checking up on me.

July 5 2009

July 5 2009

I think I am running out of things to say. I’m just melancholy. Now I am very aware of the songs that are in my head. Like right now Bless His Soul is playing. That song sounds painful. Like he wants to please everyone…make everyone happy, but he is miserable on the inside and smiling on the outside in a show of appeasement. Is it time for me to be selfish? To truly put me first? I can’t go back to the way things were. I don’t even want to go back home. It’s not a happy place…and these days being away from home ain't all that happy because my loss follows me wherever I go. No way to escape this one. Not even if I am asleep.

I’m watching the DSTYGE video. He looked really regular cool. Favored Janet a lot. I still can’t accept this. Black or White. I wonder how Mac feels about this. Why is George Wendt still alive? He hella huge. Watching a BET Marathon. I’m doing pretty good. I guess he was real. I guess he was human. He died. Watching Thriller and the lyrics…you see a sight that almost stops your heart…that phrase hits home today, That zombie really looks like Nick Nolte. I want to cry. But I gotta make myself watch this. I like how this marathon is titled…Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough: The Michael Marathon. I like how they just use his first name. Why'd that dude get thrown to the lions because his sticks weren’t entertaining? Hey, you can see Mike’s toes. That might not even be him. I guess the allure of this video is that it had an all black cast. That cat looks preggers. Brain McKnight said, “there’s something about Michael Jackson that relates to everyone.” Nicely said. One of the Asian chicks from Soul Train is in the Beat It video in the diner. His curl was really nice in this video. Why’d he fog up the camera lens? Hey, Mike is Tony from Westside Story, breaking up the fight. BET is embarrassing me w. these people half as aware and talking on the streets in Harlem. OMG, the Bad video makes me so excited, happy and hype. Mike Bivens was plying Billie Jean on the piano and Ralph Tresvant was going his Mike moves. Even did the toe thing. TIGHT! I like New Edition. The background matches his shirt, pink. Hey, another pair of black leather pants. Hey, it looked like the body in the bed moved or someone bumped the bed. Ahhh, Dirty Diana is coming on! I wanna play in his herr on this video. That skinny chick walking had hips. She kinda has shapely long legs like a frog. Heyyy, Steve Stevens! I wonder what he be whining about. Well, more of a mumble. This sounds like a hard song to sing vocally. I like the live versions when he forget the words…” I be duh do do do do.” They playing Man in the Mirror. This is sad enough w/o the grief. I didn’t know it started off with footage of people protesting for Mandela. Damn it was a one egged terrorist shooting a machine gun! He meant that shit! Baby Jessica from the well is in here too. Willie Nelson and Live Aid too. They saving whales. Hey, him and the Asian kids with the yellow hats. 10 min…and I am going home to plot the rest of my life. Dramatic changes have to be made in the next month. DSTYGE feels very triumphant. The track itself is like an introduction to a new world or a new you. Kinda looks like he has on a very natural looking eye shadow. I think he had a pretty high tolerance of pain to go through all of that multiple times. Gotta be in your Zen mode to get your mind ready for all of that. Humh, the copyright for that special read 2005. Guess they already had that done. At this point I am not sure if I am crying because of Mike or because I hate my life. Look people on the streets. Have you ever seen a lady so sad? God, why do I keep crying? It’s like I am not able to control it. My eyes just keep watering.

= How do people find happiness? Really, how in the hell do you do that? From what I’ve witnessed of my life…something is always missing This is the lowest I have been since I was a teenager in Mississippi and Alabama. And to revisit that feeling; those feelings is something I never thought would happen again. And it stings. It pinches, it hurts. My mind winces at the familiarity of this kind of sad. This kind of depression. Do you feel happy, think happy, act happy? That is such an unconquerable state of being to me. Those who are ok with who they are, where they are…what they are so damn lucky. Too damn lucky. I’m envious. That person driving the blue BMW at the corner of Orange Grove and San Fernando is probably happy. Enjoying their Sunday. When it comes right down to it. I don’t belong. I don’t belong anywhere, really. Or to anyone. I exist, but for whose benefit? I am alone, very alone. Maybe you can see it behind my eyes. I don’t feel wanted or loved right now. I rest assured in that fact that I am liked though. I have a break out. I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror. I feel ugly, plus if I see my red eyes I might cry. Cry the tears of a girl with so much potential, but no clue on how to tap it. My spirit and confidence has been crushed. Is it meant for me to suffer in this way? How much of this can a human being take? When I am in this place Mike can usually pull me out. He grabs my right hand with his left one and we go for a leisurely stroll. In some park. I don’t even think we talk. We just walk and be at ease together. Wait, we do talk, but its telepathy. We converse via our brain waves. He looks at me, I look at him. There’s a courteous smile exchange between us both, but nothing more. I don’t want this walk to ever end, but it does without me even knowing it, They way we connect is like the phone crazies in Stephen King’s Cell. It just happens and we don’t even know it. In these mental conversations he understands me and I understand him. It’s good. It’s comfy. It’s real. Elyse was right, it is a spiritual connection. A connection I have to try to find again now that his soul has departed.

Why in the hell did Dorothy just text me a photo of him in an ambulance hooked up to breathing apparatuses and shit. This fucks up okayness I had for the day. What I did notice from the glimpse I took before closing it was that he looked colored. Like the Badangerous Mike.

It’s 11:45pm and there is some good news. I got an email. I am able to get tickets to the memorial. I had Alesia print out my voucher and I take it to Dodger Stadium tomorrow to pick up my tickets and wristbands. I am still in disbelief that I was so lucky. Now, maybe I’ll get into the Staples Center. This is such a sucky feeling to be excited that I am going to someone’s funeral. I am afraid of my reaction on Tuesday. I think I’ll always hear the sound of my cry from when I initially heard the news. It’ll haunt me for a very long time.

July 4 2009

July 4 2009

Was watching CNN Headline News. They ran a story about the casket Mike is going to have. Some gold thing from Batesville, IN. The little white people are all excited about him being buried in one of their town’s caskets. Misplaced excitement is what I call it. They say it’s the same coffin James Brown had. You know, I’m ready for this to be over. Like, for this to be a big publicity stunt. I caught some of the BET Awards. Neyo sang Lady In My Life, but it wasn’t all that great. It was good, but he didn’t conjure up any emotion in me.

= I love you, I breathe you, I need you…and other instances of weakness and yearned for affection.

Having TV sucks now. I keep seeing commercials publicizing the coverage of Mike’s funeral. This feels conflicting. Like, I hope to win the ticket lottery for the memorial, but it’s such a sad occasion. I’ve been putting on a brave face away from home. The other day I felt weird. Dunno if it was a lack of food or what. It was just anxiety. I guess. I don’t want to go home. My heart hurts. How is this ever going to NOT be on my mind? Death is so, I don’t know…instant, sudden. One minute you’re here, the next you ain’t. Read in my People magazine that he got home around 1am. Do you ever know its coming? Do you get a bad feeling? They say the last thing he had to eat was a romaine lettuce salad with chicken. That sounds tasty.

Thinking back…the best moment I had on the dance floor at Mingle and Plei was when the DJ played Dirty Diana. That is my fave song off the Bad album. How can he be gone? Even though you’re gone…all the plans I had I had to give them up and start anew. Making plans for one instead of making plans for two…that’s a pretty song.

=Pretty butterfly, pretty peacock. Proud to be so devoted. So in love, so respected. So your fan. Beautiful man. Beautiful mind. Beautiful eyes. Beautiful and oh so kind. Strong man. Strong willed. Strong heart. Strong in your mastery of the art. Gentle stare. Gentle gestures. Gentle ways and a gentle shoulder to lean on. A gentle friend, but at this point there is no future. It all came so suddenly. It makes me wonder…what’s the use? This thing you cannot avoid.

XM radio is about to play Heartbreak Hotel. I’m sad and am fighting back the tears. I find it hard to be happy and/or festive with this weighing so heavily on my entire body. Everything that makes me who I am is not right. My being is compromised with grief. How do you do this? This grief thing. I am very aware of my mortality. I felt very aware of my existence tonight. How is it that I am watching fireworks over the valley, looking down t an area where is body might lie? My heart is sweating out the stress of living

July 3 2009

July 3 2009

I feel nervous till. Bought the People magazine with Mike on it. I feel sad too. This whole thing feels not right. In the last pic of him from Tuesday’s rehearsal he has his Blood on the Dance Floor hair. I like the ensemble. That red shirt really makes it pop although the pieces don’t rightly go together. He is pointing. Wonder what song he was singing? I’m at the Laundromat and my bionic Michael Jackson ear kicked in. The Spanish talking people said his name. They showed footage of that June 23rd rehearsal. I really like that red shirt. Reading the People magazine. Karen Faye was still his make up artist. They had been together for over 20 years…ewww, People says he dated the ugly chick from the celebrity weight loss show w/ Harvey and the State Farm dude. Uh, Maureen McCormick is her name. Damn, Tatum was his cutest. Eww, pic of them from the Triumph Tour and Marlon looks gay as hell. He shouldn’t have arched his eyebrows. I wonder if those bedazzled pants were comfy. I like this pic from the cover of Ebony.

You know what I love, when he spins and you can see the sweat fly from his head. Damn I wish I understood Spanish. They are talking about Mike again. ABC has a live stream of a press conference to announce how the memorial is supposed to go. They are playing All The Lonely People by The Beatles. I’m starting to tear up. Could God be so cruel? They announced you have to register on the Staples Center website to be in a lottery to get a ticket. Darren and Alesia are trying for me. I hope I get a ticket. Last night I felt very anxious and started to cry. I clinched the legs of my shorts and and tried to breathe deeply.

I’m at work at B&B Works. A man-lady he-she thingy saw my I LOVE MICHAEL JACKON button and remarked, “it’s a little too late for that.” I’m kinda salty about the comment. She-he it also said he is up the street. Probably at Forest Lawn. I nodded my head in agreement like I knew what she was talking about, but I didn’t. I just deducted the Forest Lawn thing afterwards. I don’t think there was malice behind his words. I’m just sensitive. I had Darren and Alesia register me on the Staples Center site. Darren got through first. I’m praying that I win a ticket. Earlier I started tearing up when I had to call my mom to ask her to be on the TV look out. Sadness comes in peaks and troughs with me. I am eating for the first time today. Water and a cheeseburger and small fry from McDonalds. Let me go back out here and face the world. I’m starting to think graphic things…like the autopsy cuts and the fact that he has to be stitched back up. And I hear you defecate when you are dead. MORT!