The anniversary of the worst day of my life. I think my own death will be less painful and easier to accept. I love you Michael, always.

Quote of the day: FIFA World Cup 2010

Quote of the day:

“What’s more African than subjugating black people.”
~John Oliver (The Daily Show Correspondent) re: FIFA World Cup in South Africa

Ron Artest

6-24-10

I have been recently thinking that Ron Artest isn’t all that ugly looking. I think I know what it is now; His eyes. They have a certain brightness and he has a nice smile. Maybe he has a really cool spirit. I get a good vibe from him.

Why are people always talking about shit then saying “hide my identity ..." -mildew and dirty mop water

6-23-10

Why are people always talking about shit then saying “hide my identity cause I’m not authorized to speak publicly.” Well shut the fuck up then! Maybe they are getting paid to give details because otherwise I don’t see the point.

Cried this morning. Life sucks (eyes closed tight and fingers plugging my ears) This is not real. This is not real. This is not real. I don’t want to go to the cemetery alone, but I have to go.

How does your body smell like mildew and dirty mop water?

It’s weird. I some how feel compelled, drawn to go to a place that I know will make me sad. Here the radio goes again. Playing a bunch of Mike again. NOT GOOD!

“It ain’t for everybody.”
~Jay-Z in Hollywood

I feel deflated, life would be 65-70% over by now, and $150 fuckin dollars?

6-22-10

People who like what they do are totally blessed. Please don’t take it for granted. I feel deflated today.

I often say that I should have been born in 1961 instead of 1981 because I love all things 70’s. But if that were the case my life would be 65-70% over by now. Well, ain’t no telling my life ain’t 97% over as I type this.

I cannot wait for the next Stevie Wonder party. It felt so good.

Trying really hard to zone out today.

Has there ever been a man so loved?

Dude, so this Katherine approved fan event costs $150. WTF, it’s a recession. $150 to stay in LA? This ain’t even a destination trip. And really, the Chi-Lites (no disrespect and Genevieve Jackson (and you are...???) like what is the attraction to pay $150 for an event that lasts a couple of hours and see obscure people.

I wanna look up more information, but I’m scared. I wanna go, but I’m scared too. I don’t wanna do it alone.

Sigh… lights out. I now fade to black.

6-20-10

I was flipping through the channels (as usual) and saw a familiar image so I went back. It turned out to be that Jackson movie and it was the dude who played Mike with a real something Mike really wore outfit. Well all I saw was fro and a white button down shirt, but it’s just like the photo on the cover of that Best of Michael Jackson LP from like the mid 70’s. I don’t know if I’m gonna do so well this week. I won’t be able to avoid the media like I did last year. Whoever thought that being too broke to have the cable and internet turned back on would be a benefit to my mental and emotional health. Anyway, I hope that the cemetery will be open on Friday because I will most definitely go. Just wish I could find someone to go with.

On the way back home from Coldstone last night 102.3 played State of Shock. I had never heard that on the radio before. I bumped it too. I can now add that song to my list of Mike songs I can still listen to and be happy. Speaking of Coldstone; I got some more tonight. I think I am becoming an emotional eater out of renewed grief. I am hoping to go out Friday night to just be around people and be lifted in a positive, loving environment.

Sigh… lights out. I now fade to black.

Eyes

he has such beautiful eyes. I can get lost in them forever. They make me anxious. Like they see through to my soul and can read my mind. It's like I can't hide. I tend to fidget and turn my head when he looks at me.

Today's Special: Meatloaf

I am really starting to miss it. Taste, touch, smell. The presence. Savor it for when you don’t have it a day seems like a life time.

I am tempted to buy some of Sananda’s CD’s in MP3 form from his website. That damn euro/dollar conversion. That CD gonna be $20 US. But I really feel the need to fellowship with I’m. I think music is my significant other.

Whatever happened to Rose Jackson? OMG, she hasn’t worked in 10 years. Last thing she did was in 2000 according to IMDB.

Monica (noun): the definition of me

Monica (noun)-Name for a strong, highly intelligent and witty woman who has indescribable yet magnetic sex appeal. Often appears bookish, hides an intensity that once displayed, draws you like a moth to the flame. Loyal and trustworthy friend. Most frequently has hypnotic eyes and a great smile that is used to laugh at life.

A Beautiful Mind

I find myself wanting to touch you. Engage you in conversations that make my mind race. I find myself looking into your eyes and breathing in every word you say. Something inside me makes me touch you; if only the touch of the hand. A pat on the shoulder. I daydream. Of you interaction. Soft and firm. An embrace. A caress. So simple. So sweet. I imagine us under the influence and more free to say. To be. Who we are and what we feel. I feel your fingers on the small of my back. I feel your hear beat encounter with mine. The torturous, wonderful sensation of being in love with someone’s mind.

I like the way Prince’s music makes me feel. Especially the darker more out there stuff. Primal.

Beautiful Monster

I am feeling that Beautiful Monster song by Neyo, but I know it’s because it is very very Mike inspired. Eve down to the Ah’s after phrases. Killa is going to have a hearing at the criminal courts building today. I hope, wish, and pray him death in the most torturous way; to his body and soul.

Hollywood Forever Cemetery and Left Over Prince Residue

Went to see Beetle Juice at the Hollywood Forever cemetery. It was hella chill. We were way closer to the graves than I expected. But I guess I need to face the fact that death is inevitable and deal with it. The crowd is very hippie-ish. You can bring food and DRANK and be merry. A lot of the graves had black marble tombstones with pictures of the deceased etched into them. Eerie with lots of Russian looking writing. DJ Carlos Nino was off the chain. He played a lot of psychedelic 60’s music and now I have a name to that drum playing from the They Don’t Really Care About Us video…Brazilian Batucada. And when you hear it outside of that context it is so freakin sweet and infectious. Really tryin to get t Brazil for the 2016 Olympics now. He even played Darling Nikki. Ahhhhhhh! I was in the zone…maybe a little Prince residue left over from Friday night. I will definitely go again when there’s a movie playing that I want to see.

MJ V Prince Party at the Echoplex

6-12-10

Last night was super fun. It was so beautiful to see all of the people freely dancing. The Echoplex is a nice venue. Not Hollywood pretentious. I was so hot. I hadn’t sweated that hard since undergrad parties in the student union. I got a T-Shirt made of Young Mike. Saw what looked like a drug deal in the works… Until we hit the corner. The dude then turned away from the person who was sitting on the ground and looked suspicious; all silent w/ his hand sin his pocket. The person looked like a homeless crack head.

Patronized a taco truck. Wasn’t bad.

-BACK TO THE ECHOPLEX-
The DJ started Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough and played the beginning part like 5 times. He’d let it build to OOOHH and then restart it with “you know I was wondering if you could keep on” and Man we lost out minds each time he did it, It felt damn near spiritual. He also played Tell Me I’m Not Dreaming and Jump by Kriss Kross. It was damn near 1:30am when I said “Hey, they haven’t played Dancing Machine and as soon as I finished my statement they played it. To Top It Off they played my best remixes version of SHAKEABADADOWN. I did the little finger pointing choreography. It was awesome! I need to feel that happy and free again really soon.

If you don't know...

If you don’t know about my love for Michael then you don’t know me at all. Because to love him is to be myself. I can’t not love him God ordained me to do so. It is my nature. It is a part of my destiny.

I am listening to the Good Times. First time in like forever. It fell on my mind last night. Going to an MJ v. Prince party tonight. I hope its fun.

6-11-10 Damn BP

Oh my lord. Watching the news and the Mayor of Grand Isle, LA pleaded with the government or some entity for help for his town. He said he has had to feed some of his residents at his home because the oil has killed their livelihoods/income. This is so bad, damn BP!

Daily MJ News

Keep reading in my daily MJ news via yahoo emails that they are supposed to open up Forest Lawn on the 25th for fans to pay their respects. Been reading that Randy was working on that and Humphrey Bogart or some old ass white dead actor’s family was hating like the little bitches they are trying to complain and block the allowance.
To quote Samuel L. Jackson on Coming to America “Fuck You!”

6-10-10 Stuff

Why the old red head white lady jump me in line this morning? We were about walking neck and neck to the bus stop, but I pulled ahead. I got to the line (we were coming from the same direction) and turned around to face front…she just stepped right into the space between me and the man in front of me. I was the third person in line so NOW being 4th wasn’t going to kill me. HOW RUDE (in Stephanie Tanner voice).

I feel so weird leaving the house for work with just my purse. Why is one black lady with the Coretta hair always the very last person to get on the bus? And I mean she just barely be making it everyday.

Oh hell naw. On August 11th Steve Stevens is going to be at Pechanga with Billy Idol. OMG Lauryn Hill’s gonna be at Rock The Bells

Have you ever been attracted to someone’s mind? I am. They could possibly have a sleaze factor though.

Ooh another thing from the Diana Ross concert last night…during one of the fast songs the guitarist played Billie Jean.

American Apparel Ad-Caliente!

DAAAMMMNNNNNNN! Either this pic is lesbian inducing or im going out to buy blue see through drawers. This is the current american apparel ad on the back of the la weekly

And some more stuff about the concert...

I like her live version of I Will Survive better than any time Gloria Gaynor has ever sang it. She announced she has a grandbaby and that is what she didn't tour last year. Don't know if it's the first or just a new one.I now like the It's My House and I Live Here song. Love Child hits hard. She needs to add Muscles. Maybe that is a bit too sexual for her in her geriatric age. She made jokes about how two of the horn players were too young for her when she was introducing them. I do get that grandma vibe from her. She told the audience to sit down now and I kinda felt like...yes ma'am.

Shakeabadadown and Miss Diana Ross the Mothafuckin Goddamn Boss!

6-9-10

Today has been a blessing. I watched Shakeabadadown videos on YouTube and didn’t cry. I had an upset coworker who sings Shakeabadadown because of my influence so I decided to show her some videos to cheer her up. It felt so good. God is Awesome! Like, I forgot how great I felt when watching him before. I’m so glad she was upset or I wouldn’t have watched them. I was just singing and dancing in my seat with 89% abandonment.

I really need to go out and drank and bounce up on some fine ass men to get my mind right. I am really into escapism lately. Tryin' to find that altered state where shit ain’t so heavy.

I have another colleague who is singing Shakeabadadown and even decided to start watching MJ videos. I have really enjoyed spreading the love today. MJTTDIDAB


Ok, Miss Diana Ross the Mothafuckin Goddamn Boss! (it was that tight I had to cuss 2 times in a row to illustrate the magnitude of the tightness) Man, that lady is so baaadddddd! You know she came up out of the stage with that hair and a big lime green dress on. Sang some songs. Sounding Good, Looking Good. Then she took the lime green thing off and had on a black/silver sequined dress. Then we had a wardrobe change into red sequin. The red cover up got taken off to show a red dress. Then we had a wardrobe change to blue sequin. Then we had a wardrobe change into a pink poofy frilly cute ass number. Then we had a wardrobe change into GOLD sequin. Then we had a wardrobe change into an off white champagne sequin. Then we had a wardrobe change into a white silvery sequin.

She sounded just as good as when I saw her 2 years ago at the Gibson. The audience was hella hype. It was nice to see all kinds of people, all different ages. I love seeing beautiful things like that…another reason I am glad I live in LA. Just so cute. PowerPoint’s are in these days. She had a lot of kewl beauty shot/video footage going. And shit was just sparking and shining and there were flowers and all kinds of eye candy going on. I got choked up at the beginning of the show because I knew the inevitable was coming. She sang some song about yesteryear or something and had a slideshow of Motown artists and I knew his picture was coming. And as I expected I cried later on in the night. Worked really hard to keep the tears from falling, but to no avail. At the end she said a few words and then sang I’m Missing You and said he children were in the audience in which people got all antsy in their seats like they wanted the children’s autographs. Leave the damn children alone. She then sang You Are Not Alone. So sweet. There were 3 pictures that they showed. Photo from the BAD photo shoot. Photo from what looked like it could have been The Chase commercial and then one of their photos together from that early 80’s photo shoot in black and white. I know I was just saying how awesome God is but I also question how could there be and who pissed it off if something, someone so everything to me could be taken away. Me and God got a relationship like that. If I can’t question it mind to mind then who. Today has been an emotional day. One of ups and downs and all for the same reason…LOVE.

This may become my mantra:
I love you more than all of the words I have ever spoken and wrote and all of the actions I have ever taken can show

Headline of the morning:

6-7-10

Headline of the morning: AV Section 8 Hotspot: More than 1 in 40 AV homes are section 8

VH1 Hip Hop Honors:Hey, I’m from the south MY ASS IS REAL AND IT JIGGLES

Why is Luke’s mouth crooked? He have a stroke? Or he got that Bobby Brown cocaine twisted mouth?

Why is Kid Rock so cool? Like, he is alright with me. Ain’t he hosting some CMT country awards shit too? Why Trick head so big and his body so scrawny? Them dancers don’t dance hard. They should have got somebody out the audience to WRECK Doo Doo Brown! Who are those white guys? Seriously, where they get these white people from? Like, white people don’t equate to dirty south rap. Po Pimp! Representin’ Aliceville, Alabama on this one! The magical summer of 1995. WTF, Drake, yo gay ass wtf you even doing there? Nigga you from Canada?! He does sound better rapping that singing. Puffy is a bitch. Jonah Hill? Forreal? WTF, Viacom!

Man, I wish Da Brat would come out on Ooh I Think They Like Me…. Damn I can see the whole stage bouncing on this one. Camera bouncing too. Couldn’t Kriss Kross have sang Jump? Welcome to (everywhere) was a pretty good song.

Awww shit, can’t wait for P to come out. Damn shame that a Master P song is considered classic and real music. Never thought this would be so 15 years ago.

This Lottery Ticket movie is another Friday, but I will be tryin to see it.
Clearly I ain’t seent Lil Romeo in about 6 years. Damn. Why he got no shirt on and a scully? You is not bout it bout it! Damn, I feel old. This shit came out when I was in middle school. Damn Silkk Da Shocker looks the same. He was kinda cute. I used to wish I was Mya in that video. That’s all Trina gonna say? I would think Cash Money would be in on this…wouldn’t you? Like they can’t have more than 1 New Orleans camp? Wait, so P came out and the song ended… And why is Brandy and Ray J there. Guess they are deciding to claim Mississippi.

I agree T.I… live your talk and walk and shit. Black people from California need to take note. No matter how hood you are…you are a man or woman of your word. Your word actually means something. Is that Swizz Beats? Bone Crusher? Somebody told me he was on a can last week. I SEE THAT LITTLE HAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Is Nelson George’s mouth crooked too? Andre where are you? You so beautiful.
Timbaland got a sinus infection? I didn’t know Timbaland did Make Me Better. I love that damn song. “Stick with yo entrée and get over your side.” Who is Freestyle Steve? Keri Hilson is cute, giving Ciara competition in the physique dept, but she sounds horrible. Awww, Missy. My 2nd favorite female MC.

David Banner is so smart. Kelly looks like a flight attendant or a black Daphne from Scooby Doo. Chamillionaire looks like piglet from pooh. Ok, the me so horny 1st verse is all over the place. That Asian looking one has a malady of some sort. Yea, Kiss dey ass Tea Party Members!

Damn that talking dude from Organized Noize has beautiful skin. Sleepy Brown nails is black???? Can they sink up with the damn music? Wait, let me throw up my L. Get it Nelly and Murphy Lee! Get it Kujoe! Fake leg n all! Sleepy Brown bothers me. Even his little jump and cross the legs thing is weird. Who is that white guy? He ain’t Eminem!!!!! I like his black socks though.

Whose son is that up there DJing with Khaled…looking like Theo Huxtable. Once again, who are those white guys?

I’m So Hood is the jam. WTF is Maybach Music? That’s stupid. Ya’ll from Miami…why ya’ll got on furs?

Hey, I’m from the south MY ASS IS REAL AND IT JIGGLES!

Deep Shit of the weekend

June 6th

Had an interview for an internship and the lady who interviewed me said (these aren’t her exact words) that everyone thinks of suicide at some point and time in their life, but what we must examine is what is the turning point; what factor makes some people go through with it and others not. Deep shit!

More shit from June 4th

I really don’t think I can express how I feel adequately. Like, I really can’t make you feel me. I am just not with it today.

A colleague was right. I have been melodramatic lately. When I feel like singing I feel a connection, a burning fire from within that spews forth emotion and the essence of my soul.

This ink pen is writing rather smoothly. Kewl baby name for a boy-Fyr.

Today on this 1st day of June in the year of our lord 2010

Today on this 1st day of June in the year of our lord 2010 I declare that I will watch less TV this summer (til Jersey Shore comes on) and spend more time writing songs, poems, and stories, and learning some language on Rosetta Stone.

Jill Scott and Maxwell and My Karaoke like Debut to win Diana Ross tickets!

The concert was awesome! Jill slayed me. But I think we were too far up and couldn't hear well. The acoustics weren't all that good up where w were. If I didn't know the songs I would have been lost. When she talked I could only make out some words. I love her so much! Maxwell was alright. i think he is better in a smaller venue. Same acoustics issues, but things just seemed less effective in the staples center. He and fortunate and I was so happy about that. I think it just sucked that they shared the bill so they couldn't give full shows. I've seen both on their own and they just got to sing way more. Maxwell is sexy, me seeing him tonight made his face less offensive. I will lick the sweat off that scar on his forehead and go ahhh(thirst quenching sound). On our way out of the staples center we were talking about the Diana Ross concert coming up and a soror saw 92.3 out there and they said something about singing to win tickets to the show. She suggested I go and do it and I did and I WON! I sang Upside Down and My Old Piano. I went up against 4 other people. Me and a Gay dude were the first up there to sing. Then two other chicks came and another dude. Gay dude was not all that good, but he was so nice. I went 2nd.Then the chick from up north and thought aww damn I'm gonna loose. She sang Touch Me In The Morning. I don't know what everybody else sang. The guys were knocked out of the keke Sheppard style audience vote. Then it was me and the chick from up north. I sang My Old Piano...obscure Nile Rogers produced song and she sang Reach Out and Touch Somebody's Hand. And in the audience vote I won. I think singing upbeat songs saved me. Chick from Up North was good. I know no one knew My Old Piano, but that was the only Diana song I could remember a verse to on the spot. I thought of Muscles, but I was not in the mode to deliver such a sexual song. I can't believe Mike wrote that sexual song. Anyway, I am so proud of my self. I got up and sang in public and got compliments on my voice. My voice lessons and support of a key few individuals is going a long way to aid me in my happiness.

I love you more than all of the words I have ever spoken and wrote and all of the actions I have ever taken can show

What I learned today: Guess I gotta give credit to Marvin Gaye

What I learned today on my own. I got that good ear- Re Got to Give It Up Part 2 by Marvin Gaye ‘The chant "Let's dance/let's shout/get funky what it's all about!" appearing in the latter part of the original track, was also
appropriated for the chorus of The Jacksons' 1979 hit "Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground)”.’

Now my favorite Jacksons/Michael Jackson song doesn't feel as sweet and complete. But I still love it with all my heart.

Stuff that fell on my mind in the past 24 hrs

June 3-4th
I’m fallin’ apart. Possible arthritis and a bunion. My left big toe is 58 years old.

Prince, you move me and don't move me. I just watched Under The Cherry Moon and I am confused, surprised and a lot of stuff in between.

Feels that Sister Act 2 is one of the best movies ever made and if you disagree with me you are going to hell.

Hairsisters can kiss my ass!

What's up with all of these brain hemorrages?!
Oh Aunt Fran died from choking on a toothpick in the bathroom of the Bigger Jigger,

Eureka Moment of the week:

Eureka Moment of the week:
The Black folks term Triflent/Tryflin
Possible real word:
Main Entry: trifling
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: insignificant, worthless
Synonyms: banal, dinky, empty, forget it, frivolous, hollow, idle, idling, inane, inconsequential, inconsiderable, insipid, jejune, loitering, measly, minuscule, negligible, niggling, no big deal, no big thing, nugatory, paltry, petty, picayune, piddling, puny, shallow, silly, slight, small, tiny, trivial, unimportant, vain, valueless, vapid

May 31st-I kinda want this to be over with already. Just take me so I can stop suffering. The life of the grief stricken.

5-31-2010

Yesterday after the UCLA Jazz Reggae Fest we ended up walking past the Ronald Regan UCLA Hospital. That was a place I never wanted to find. Q-Tip has a song with a killer Dancing Machine sample. He had the crowd yelling Michael. Everyone got excited for me, except me. Living sucks this way. People are always inadvertently reminding me that half of my heart is dead. I’m glad I could obscure my face behind my big red hat. Went to a hooka bar and they played like 4-5 Mike songs. Felt weird to sin in his musical presence. I had a break down in the car on my way home last night. Yea, I still cry. Then I recently found out that June 25th falls on a Friday. I am afraid to go to work because I don’t think I will be able to hold it together because everyone will be talking about it. I kinda want this to be over with already. Just take me so I can stop suffering. The life of the grief stricken.

May 19th- Black Men Today

May 19 2010
Yea, Black man in the blue pin stripes suit and black fedora turned my head. Takes a real man of character to wear a hat to conduct business. Too bad he was old enough to be my daddy.

This man is barefoot on the bus. He took off his shoes. You nasty repetitive trifling action performing bastard!